Thursday, June 14, 2012

James at Camp

Hello All,

We've been pretty busy over here so we're slacking again at our blogging duties. James is at camp this week. He is up in Wisconsin for the whole week, swimming, shooting bows & arrows, doing crafts and singing around the campfire. It has been radio silence from him up there, which is a good thing. The camp does have a Twitter feed so we're getting periodic updates from the whole group. You can follow the feed at @campkesemnu. We did get this tweet with this picture of him betting a bearded dragon.

 

We do miss him very much and will be excited to see him when he comes home tomorrow. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

ALL CLEAR!

Can't find anything on the scans!  Thank God and you all for your prayers!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Scan-xiety

I have a full day at the hospital today, repeating scans and tests.  While they *don't expect to find anything* it is still nervewracking.  A prayer or well wish in my direction would be well appreciated.  Pray they can't find anything wrong with me! 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Special Wish

Today is my grandmother's birthday.   She past away a little over a year ago.  I miss her terribly.  On my days when I am my saddest, I use her to inspire me and bring me up.  I was so sad when I was diagnosed not to be able to talk to her about it, because I knew that she would have just the right words to say.  But I realize now, that she taught me everything I need to know to get through this already.  She lived life to the fullest with such a zest that she was an inspiration to us all.  And thats what I try to do every day....
I hope she knew just how special she was to me, and I wish that she could know how much comfort she brings me.



                                                        Miss and love you lots grandma!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Angels and Bolters: A Field Guide to the Wildlife of Cancer

I'm reposting this from someone else's blog... It is so true!  Not that I expereinced all these things exactly this way, but I have expereinced these categories for sure....


Angels and Bolters: a Field Guide to the Wildlife of Cancer


By Karen Ritchie M.D.



When you are diagnosed with cancer, strange things happen to other people. Cancer will probably change you, but it also changes people around you, people you thought you knew.



People behave in unexpected ways. Some you thought were friends disappear. Others hang around. And of those who keep coming around, you will be glad to see some, and less glad to see others.



You will find out who your friends are, as the saying goes. As if that's a good thing. As if anyone ever really wants to find out who can be counted on and who can't. Someone you rarely saw and didn't feel particularly close to may turn out to be the person who is most supportive, who most understands what you are going through.



Although each person's cancer experience is unique, there are some commonalities. The following is a guide to the creatures you may encounter.



Preachers

Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information. They are convinced that they know what is best for you, and they go out of their way to share their answers. They bring you books and tapes, herbs and pills, or they know where you can send money - usually a lot of money - to obtain a product that is guaranteed to cure you. This guarantee, on closer examination, turns out to be more like a strong opinion.



So they will assure you that vegetarians don't get cancer, or meditators don't get cancer, or those who think happy thoughts. None of which is true. They bring you tofu and sprouts when you really want a pizza, and then you feel guilty for eating pizza at all. They insist that you think positive, at a time when you are bald and nauseated and have a temperature of 104 and a major body part is missing.



Preachers are usually well-meaning and sincerely concerned for your welfare, so they are hard to ignore. They are convinced that the one thing they promote is the thing that will cure your cancer, if you only do it correctly. This last part is the kicker - if it doesn't work, you must not be doing it right.



Clueless

The clueless make inane comments. These comments usually fall into one of three categories:



Cancer is not really a problem. (e.g., Losing your hair/body part/health is not really a problem.)

Cancer is really a blessing. (You'll find out who your friends are. Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong.)

You caused your cancer.(Remember that time you had a negative thought? You are not praying hard enough.)

There are an infinite variety of idiotic remarks. When you have cancer you are liable to hear one or two that are amazingly thoughtless.



If preachers are honestly concerned for your welfare, the clueless are primarily concerned about themselves. They want you to be cheerful because it makes them more comfortable (this includes some health care personnel). Those who deny their own sadness and grief do not want to hear about yours.



The clueless want to believe that the world makes sense, that it is fair and just, that people get what they deserve. They are willing to ignore any evidence to the contrary. They don't really understand your situation; they cannot see your illness from your perspective. They are not interested enough to understand, or they are too fearful of their own well being.



But their ignorance is not your problem. Education of the clueless is extremely time-consuming and frequently doomed. It should be undertaken only in desperate circumstances, or out of sheer boredom. These people are exhausting. You may have to decide whether their company is worth the emotional cost, as you are likely to end up taking care of them.



Bolters

Bolters disappear when you are diagnosed with cancer. The bolter is someone who was always around before you had cancer, but now does not call and does not show up. Bolters may or may not send a card before they leave.



When questioned, bolters make excuses: they knew you were tired, or they knew you would ask if you needed anything, thus blaming their absence on you. Like the clueless, their distance reflects their own discomfort. They stay away because they are afraid of their own sadness or their own mortality.



A related creature is the virtual bolter. Virtual bolters may be physically present but act as if you were no longer there. They ignore you, as if you were invisible. You find yourself not invited to events, as if you didn't exist. You are suddenly excluded from a weekly meeting you have attended for years.



Like the clueless, bolters are generally resistant to logic and are thought to be incurable. When they are caught and questioned they blame others, and it may be best to simply let them go.



Angels

Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They drop by with a bag of groceries or they offer to walk the dog. They will listen when you need to talk, or they can just sit next to you and be there without having to do anything or say anything. They know that just being there is doing something. Angels tread lightly because they have no agenda of their own.



They treat you like the person you always were. They know that despite the cancer you are still you. Sometimes angels just know what you need, and sometimes they need to ask. An angel knows how to listen to the answer, how to listen to what you say and to what you're not saying. You can cry with angels and you can laugh with them, sometimes both at the same time. Some are born angels. Others have to learn, which takes time and may be awkward at first.



Fellow Travelers

For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey. Family members become fellow travelers out of necessity. Others stick with you by choice.



When you have cancer, they have it too. And in some ways their journey is harder, a time of frustration and powerlessness. While you can fight the cancer, they can only observe.



Fellow travelers want to be supportive, although at first they may not know how. They can become angels but it will take time. Most of us are not good listeners, and it takes a while to learn. You can help by being patient and by asking for what you need.



The clueless are right about one thing - there are good things about having cancer. The best is the opportunity for a closer relationship with those who care about you. And, of course, you learn who your friends are.



From Amazon:



Karen Ritchie, M.D. is a psychiatrist and bioethicist, former Chief of Psychiatry at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, Texas. She graduated from Graceland College and from Ohio State University School of Medicine and received a Masters' degree in philosophy/bioethics from Georgetown University.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Two Year Cancerversary is TODAY!

Two years ago today, it was confirmed what my heart already knew the moment I felt that lump: I had breast cancer.  I tried keeping a positive additiude, and made it through the mammograms, biopsies, and doctor appointments, but I could just tell by the looks on everyone's faces, and the feeling in my gut that it wan't good.  Still, I was not prepared for that Stage 3 diagnosis after surgery.  I am not going to relive that day, week, or process, but I will take another opportunity to thank those that were there for me in the first few moments of this journey: my very good friend and neighbor Alex, my husband, my parents, and my children.  I only have the words "Thank you" for them, as what they did, and continue to do for me, they do out of love, and they don't need anything greater than that in recognition.  (although if I could, I would give them the world).

Their love and support, spread and grew to family, friends, community members, acquantances and strangers.  The love and support I received in my battle can only be described as amazing and awe-inspiring.  I am truly grateful and humbled by the love and generosity of my fellow human beings. 

It is a year and 8 days since my beloved Grandma Kutlzer passed away.  I really miss her today.  I know she would be the very best person to talk to today, as she was a young survivor who lived a very long, healthy and poductive life after her first diagnosis in 1957 at the age of 27.  Her second diagnosis came at age 72 and she also survived that.  I think she could help me sort out this roller coaster of emotions that I feel, especially today.    I am so happy to be here, to be healthy with NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE (or NED as they call it).  But still, my heart aches.  It aches for what I've given up, for what my husband has lost, for what my children have lost, for the pain and fear I have put my family and friends through.  The aches and pains of every day life, menopause at 33 (hot flashes and 3 and 6 year olds do not go well together) the endless doctor appointments, the fear of reoccurence, the daily handful of pills I take.  Still, I will not give up the fight, or let it ruin my life, it is what it is and I just have to live it, love it and grow from it.  I am one of the lucky ones, as I know many who have lost thier battle with this terrible disease. 

It is often commented to me, espeically on days like today when a certain date plays a significant role in my cancer journey, that I am an ispiration to people and I have taught them so much.  Well, this has taught me so much, and if I could share anything outside of know your family history and be proactive in your health care, rather than follow what doctors or a panel of people that have never met you recommend... it would be some of the lessons written below.

So, in closing, I say THANK YOU to all of you reading this, as well as those important people that aren't reading this, for every thought, prayer, and action shown to me in this never ending journey.  It has not gone unnoticed by me.  I pray every day to be her for another, a cure for this awful disease, and strength to keep fighting.



IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle..

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us..

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Spring Break

Hi everyone!
It's been a while since I posted, but we just got back from a great Spring Break long weekend in the Wisconsin Dells with our good friends the Berry's.  It was so much fun.  A lot more fun than I thought it was going to be actually (the water park, not the company).  I highly recommend the Great Wolf Lodge.  The kids had a great time and there was lots of things to do there. 
Here's a video Jay put together from videos he took with his underwater camera.

http://youtu.be/DyxjfWTHCd8





Here's a video of my dancing queen getting down at the Saturday Night Dance Party....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxlA7dQ5h1g&list=UUDyv6Hj6Lt9wR7Yo2Bxxtug&index=1&feature=plcp

And of course, it's not a road trip unless you eat at the Cracker Barrel!


And look!  My hair is long enough to pull back into a "duck butt!"