Anxiety

Three years ago this week my life was turning upside down. It was like I was a preteen at Great America. Waiting in line for a ride I knew was going to turn me upside down and put terror in my heart, but not being able to get out of line because it was supposed to be fun. I found a lump. Had to be nothing right? I'm 33, have an infant, was healthy and this doesn't happen to people my age. Yet I knew something was terribly wrong. So I stayed in line, got on that ride, and was flipped upside down. Never to be the same. 
The ironic thing is, a few weeks ago I was looking forward to this week. I was going to create this great post on how my life was returned to a new normal. How somehow, despite scars and scares, extra weight and the 10+ pills I take twice I day, I forgot a lot of the time that I even had cancer. Really. I was feeling that way. Then I got into a car accident. Terrified I hurt my reconstruction as I hit the steering wheel and was injured by the seatbelt. Back in the ER, getting chest X-rays, being asked if there was a chance I was pregnant, explaining why I didn't need a pregnancy test, hyperventilating and in full PTSD mode. On oxygen, on a gurney in the middle of an er hallway ehile rape victims are being interviewed and Police Officers and DCFS Officials are dealing with a father being arrested for child abuse thinking how can i be back here again?  finally a dr asked me what I wanted for the pain. I said I wanted an Ativan. She, thankfully complied, and I finally calmed down. Yes, I needed the comfort of that magic pill that I used to take before each chemo treatment (27 of them) to help me stop spiraling down in despair.  Still, as I sit here the night before my check up with my oncologist I cannot help but have anxiety. Every time the Caller ID pops up with Loyola's number my heart drops into my stomach and my stomach drops into my shoes. I will never have my life back, but I have to create a new normal. 
I wake up each morning and the first thing I do is thank God for being here one more day. Each night at bedtime I thank God for giving me that day and look forward to being alive for at least one more day. Before I sat down to write this I was doing laundry, washing the cleaning rags, thinking how I was so worried and worked up abou this. And how I just wanted to know it was all going to be ok. And wouldn't you know it, I found a penny at the bottom of the washing machine. My grandma Krupa was sending me a sign from heaven that all was going to b ok. I know it. But still, it is hard. I'd say about 90% of the time I forget about the whole cancer experience, but am always thrown off by the triggers that toss me back into that world. A hand gesture, a smell, a chance encounter with someone. An innocent question from a stranger. 
This week has seen some terrible things in this world, roadside bomb in Afghanistan killing a 25 year old who lived in my area.  Two bombs at the Boston Marathon. I think why, this world has so much pain without people purposely causing it. I cry more easily. I think about those people just going about their day, who are now missing limbs. Their family members and the affect it has on the whole family. Forever. No one is ever the same. It makes me sad. It makes me mad. No parent should bury a child. No parent should watch their child suffer. No child should grow up parent less. 
Some days I feel like I am just climbing climbing climbing a set of stairs that is never going to end. On a treadmill that won't stop, but will take me no where. Other days I feel on top of the world. Almost thankful for this experience of cancer as it has given me a new appreciation for life. A new awakening and attention to detail I never had before. I am hoping with time, and with each passing year the anxiety diminishes and the good thoughts prevail. 
Still, I welcome your prayers and I will work to find the silver lining of each bad day. More good days than bad, more smiles than years and more laughter than complaints. This is what I will continue to strive and live for. 

Well, it's been a while....

since we have posted ANYTHING on this site.  But in this instance, that has been a good thing.  We have just been living our lives, surviving and thriving every day.  Jay continues to build his business, I continue to rep CAbi, sub at the kids school and I have started a closet organizing service where I help people clean out, organize and consign or donate items they no longer need.  I then take the remaining items and mix and match them into new outfits, take pictures and bundle it all for the client to refer to in the future.  It is really fun and has been keeping me quite busy.  It's surprising how I really look forward to these appointments, I guess I really do love clothes!  The kids are doing great.  Katie is a spunky four year old and James is hitting his stride at 7.  Having a second grader is a little surreal since I spent 6 years teaching second grade before he was born.  It's a little odd to be the one sitting at the little desk for open house when I used to be the one up there!  I've tried to cut back on my volunteering and spend more time focusing on my family and rebuilding our lives, but I have not removed myself completely from volunteerism.  It's good for the soul to give back. 
We are enjoying the Christmas holiday season.  Feeling fortunate to have such wonderful family and friends, each other, and all the blessings we have in our lives. I say a prayer of thanks at least once a day for my life. 

Will be updating this blog again soon..... I promise!!!! 

Katie Week...

Since James is up at Camp, it has just been Kari, Katie and me at home.  It has been really fun to just be with her.  Not that she plays second fiddle to her bigger brother but this is really the first time that she has been the center of our attention for such a long period of time. 

We've been taking walks, going to the splash park and hanging out together. 

She and I were hanging out a few nights ago.  She will spontaneously burst into song.  I caught these on video.  Enjoy!

James at Camp

Hello All,

We've been pretty busy over here so we're slacking again at our blogging duties. James is at camp this week. He is up in Wisconsin for the whole week, swimming, shooting bows & arrows, doing crafts and singing around the campfire. It has been radio silence from him up there, which is a good thing. The camp does have a Twitter feed so we're getting periodic updates from the whole group. You can follow the feed at @campkesemnu. We did get this tweet with this picture of him betting a bearded dragon.

 

We do miss him very much and will be excited to see him when he comes home tomorrow. 

ALL CLEAR!

Can't find anything on the scans!  Thank God and you all for your prayers!

Scan-xiety

I have a full day at the hospital today, repeating scans and tests.  While they *don't expect to find anything* it is still nervewracking.  A prayer or well wish in my direction would be well appreciated.  Pray they can't find anything wrong with me! 

A Special Wish

Today is my grandmother's birthday.   She past away a little over a year ago.  I miss her terribly.  On my days when I am my saddest, I use her to inspire me and bring me up.  I was so sad when I was diagnosed not to be able to talk to her about it, because I knew that she would have just the right words to say.  But I realize now, that she taught me everything I need to know to get through this already.  She lived life to the fullest with such a zest that she was an inspiration to us all.  And thats what I try to do every day....
I hope she knew just how special she was to me, and I wish that she could know how much comfort she brings me.

                                                        Miss and love you lots grandma!