Hi Everyone,
It has been a while so I need to give an update. I completed my 27th round of chemo on January 27th and enjoyed walking out of the day hospital for the last time. I made it through that weekend without too many side effects, just tireness. The following Thursday I was looking forward to not having chemo, but I felt terrible. I called the nurse and she said it will take at least three weeks for all the medicine to work its way out of my body, so I will continue to feel not so great for a few more weeks. So, here it is two weeks later, and I still am very tired, have achy joints and bones, but each day it is getting better. Yesterday I had a a CT Scan and a Bone Scan, as well as some bloodwork drawn for testing for further therapies. On the 15th I will have a PET Scan and then my testing should be complete. I am also trying to complete my visits to the plastic surgeon, get some info on nutrition for the dietician and a few other doctor appointments accomplished, so my "month off" has really turned into more appointments than I would had during chemo. I have another appointment with the oncologist on the 17th, where I will find out all the results of my scans and plan my next steps. I also have an appointment with the radiation oncologist during the last week of Feb. See what I mean about the doctor appointments?!?
I also have been neglecting posting as this is somewhat of a "limbo" area and if you know me well, I don't like the land of uncertainty. I crave a plan, an idea of what is to come, and a definate answer. With cancer, there is none of that. It is a little disheartening to me that doctors can create a plan of action, but a test result, an adverse reaction, or a change is research can knock that plan out. I also have a doctor who is very good at what she does, but is not one who really wants to talk about the what ifs or next steps, until she is ready to dicuss those things, which again, is hard for me. So, I don't know what will happen if test results show something, and if they are clean, I am not sure what the next step is, other than radiation, but I don't know how long or when it will start. I also don't know what medications I will be taking, when those will start, and when my next two surgeries will be....
While I was excited to be done with chemo, it was also scary. I thought I would feel relief and a feeling of completeness, like okay, closed that door and move on to the next step of treatment, but really I didn't. I almost feel like chemo was the easy part in this process. It is scary to know that nothing is working on killing cancer cells in my body now. But, I have to remind myself that chemo for 27 weeks would have a very good chance of killing all the cancer cells that weren't removed in surgery, and radiation will get any holdouts. Plus, the other thing that I realized is that if the cancer did return at a later date, that is not a death sentence. The doctors would just treat the new cancer, and I would have a rough treatment time, probably go through chemo again, but if I did it once, I can do it again. Furthermore, people can live for years, even with stage 4 cancer, and researchers are making strides every day, so if it did come back in 2-10 years, there is a good chance there will be a new way to fight it.
I have also been trying to "live in the moment" more and just enjoy life and it's day to day simple pleasures. I am trying to spend more time with the kids one on one, and trying to get back into the routine of things I did before I was diagnosed. I have enjoyed some great moments with the kids lately.
James and I have been playing a board game he really loves, working on art projects and reading books. James is really starting to be a beginning reader and it is so much fun. By the end of the summer I think he will be quite the reader. He is getting better at his knock knock jokes too, and is such a good big brother when he wants to be. He is creating some amazing things with his electronics kit, art supplies and has such a big imagination.
I gave Katie a bath this week, in my big bath tub (which the kids love to use, although James loves the jets and Katie hates them) and I watched Katie give her baby a bath. It was so cute and she mimics some of the things that Jay and I do when bathing her. It was very fun to watch. Today Katie and I went to the mall to buy a wedding present for the wedding we are going to tomorrow and Katie just enjoyed it so much. We don't go to the mall a lot, anyone with little kids can answer why, and Katie had fun riding the escalator, looking at the pretty dishes, and then we took a spin around the shoe department. While I was paying the the present, and constantly reminding her to not touch anything and just look with her pretty blue eyes, she noticed these floral dishes and she said to me, "Mommy, these are Mama Diane's dishes." And sure enough, she pointed out the portmerion garden party dish set my mother has. It is amazing the details she picks up on. On the way out we wallked through cosmetics and Katie said, "Mommy, will you buy me a new lipstick. I really need a new lipstick." hee hee! After the mall we went to the grocery store where Katie picked out some pretzels and told me she would like to call daddy and tell him I was buyng her some pretzels. Where do these kids come up with this stuff?
Just enjoying the day to day. Looking forward to the wedding this weekend to have some time with my husband, anxiously awaiting test result apppointment on the 17th and thanking you all for your continued prayers, good thoughts and support.
