Since I have posted last, longer than I thought actually. I've been busy with cabi, school year ending, camp starting, and having fun. My sister in law and brother in law took the kids for a week and my mom and I had a chance to go to my friends place in lake Geneva for a few days. It was fun, and we got to relax and enjoy shopping, walking along the lake, boat rides, and more. Then jay and I got to do a few fun things around the city. Then we had some parties and of course there was father's day to celebrate. Kids and I having fun, getting into a summer routine, planning trips and the rest of the summer. Heard that the taste of Chicago starts Friday. Can't believe it's time for that already! Play dates and lunches with friends, farmers markets, and just fun, fun, fun! Just plugging along. Tackling paperwork and projects that need to be done. One of which was to register tuition payments for the kids school in the fall. They are going to St Giles and while it will be tight, we both agree that it will be the most beneficial for them, so I will find a way to make it work. In going through the online process one of the questions they ask is if for $15, we want to take out insurance so that if something happens to me or jay, tuition for the rest of the year is paid. Now, for the fine print, "not payable for cancer or cancer related deaths.". And bam! Back in the front of my mind, a nice reminder of this past year. Out of all the things that can happen, act of God, suicide, heart attacks and more, cancer is not a risk they are willing to take. I can weigh 500 pounds, be a race car driver, fly 200,000 miles, drive two hours to work each day, or anything else, and get covered, just don't develop cancer. I didn't get the insurance. I figured that I'd rather use the $15 for something that has better odds of benefiting me, like a lottery ticket!
I just was so thrown by this experience because I was just starting to feel normal agin, not waking up and thinking about cancer first thing, not spending sleepless nights worrying about what would happen if I wasn't here to see my kids grow up. Not forgetting, but moving on. I am prepared for the three month check ups, for the routine blood work, for the follow up appointments with the plastic surgeon, the radiation oncologist, and all the other doctors and specialists. but I am really starting to feel good. My energy is coming back, my hair is growing and getting long, I am ready to get my last surgery complete and end this journey. Then something reminds me and I find myself spiraling into that dark place again. My heart aches, it's almost like being diagnosed again, the wounds become fresh again. I remind myself how far I've come, how strong I can be, how deep my faith in God is, and how strong I will fight. I stop and breathe, thank God for my family and friends, and remind myself to live in the moment. Just worry about today and that works. Most of the time. For the other times, say an extra prayer for me please.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
June 2nd...
One year ago today I had my surgery. A very long, scary and tough road to travel with a long recovery. I am not going to rehash it, as the details are in the original posting which you can find in the archives of this blog. What I do want to write about is what I have learned and what it has taught me.
I felt prepared going into the surgery. Yet when I look back there was a lot I didn't know or didn't fully understand. Not that things weren't shared with me, or info wasn't there, I just didn't remember it, didn't believe it, or didn't think about it. The mind protects itself, and heals itself. After that surgery I was terrified as I knew I had a few more to go. Now, as time has gone on, I know that surgery is not fun, but it is the next hurdle I need to get over to recover and I am feeling better about it and know I can make it through it.
It taught me who I can count on, who loves me and who truly cares about me. From the family members who sat in the waiting room during my 8 hours of surgery, the friends and family that sent me flowers in the hospital, the cards and visits when I returned home, the family members that took James for a week so he wouldn't have to see me at my worst, the family that took care of Katie at home so she wouldn't have to be far from me, the meals that people cooked and to all the prayers that were said, I was continually amazed. And of course to the biggest supporter of all, my mother who stayed with me at the hospital from surgery prep to discharge she never left my side, came home and cared for me for 11 days, at all hours of the day, without a break because "that's what mothers do." jay and my dad were there a lot too during those first two weeks home, helping out and making things easier.
A year out from this has taught me also that time really will heal and although you can't imagine it when first confronted with it, there will come a time that you will wake up and your first thought is not about cancer. This past memorial day weekend we spent in mi with family, like we normally do. I realized that it was just last year that we were enjoying one last fun family weekend before this big life changing event was going to start. Part of me cannot believe that was only a year ago, and part of me marvels in what has occurred in a year. Part of me still struggles with this whole event, and part of me has moved on to a new normal and regained some of my old life.
This experience has taught me I am blessed. Blessed my cancer was discovered and treated at a time when it is possible to rid and heal my body from this disease. I am blessed that I have a good chance of moving on and continuing a long life. I have been blessed with so many wonderful friends and family that care for me, much more than I knew before this event. I am blessed with a new confidence that I never had before as I have learned that I can battle cancer, nothing else is as scary as that and I am strong, much stronger than I thought. I am blessed because I can be an example, an inspiration and a teacher to others. People can learn from me and my experiences and be more proactive about their health.
To those of you still reading this, I thank you. This journey is not yet complete, but I no longer feel like I am trapped in quicksand or hopelessly turned around and lost in a deep dark forest. Yes, I still stumble and fall, yes, I am still scared, yes, I am still in that forest, but the sun is starting to rise, I can see a little more clearly, and I've found a path that will lead me out. Soon I will break through and reappear and next year, on this date, I will marvel at how much my life has changed again in just a short year. God willing, this will just be another chapter in my long life story.
I felt prepared going into the surgery. Yet when I look back there was a lot I didn't know or didn't fully understand. Not that things weren't shared with me, or info wasn't there, I just didn't remember it, didn't believe it, or didn't think about it. The mind protects itself, and heals itself. After that surgery I was terrified as I knew I had a few more to go. Now, as time has gone on, I know that surgery is not fun, but it is the next hurdle I need to get over to recover and I am feeling better about it and know I can make it through it.
It taught me who I can count on, who loves me and who truly cares about me. From the family members who sat in the waiting room during my 8 hours of surgery, the friends and family that sent me flowers in the hospital, the cards and visits when I returned home, the family members that took James for a week so he wouldn't have to see me at my worst, the family that took care of Katie at home so she wouldn't have to be far from me, the meals that people cooked and to all the prayers that were said, I was continually amazed. And of course to the biggest supporter of all, my mother who stayed with me at the hospital from surgery prep to discharge she never left my side, came home and cared for me for 11 days, at all hours of the day, without a break because "that's what mothers do." jay and my dad were there a lot too during those first two weeks home, helping out and making things easier.
A year out from this has taught me also that time really will heal and although you can't imagine it when first confronted with it, there will come a time that you will wake up and your first thought is not about cancer. This past memorial day weekend we spent in mi with family, like we normally do. I realized that it was just last year that we were enjoying one last fun family weekend before this big life changing event was going to start. Part of me cannot believe that was only a year ago, and part of me marvels in what has occurred in a year. Part of me still struggles with this whole event, and part of me has moved on to a new normal and regained some of my old life.
This experience has taught me I am blessed. Blessed my cancer was discovered and treated at a time when it is possible to rid and heal my body from this disease. I am blessed that I have a good chance of moving on and continuing a long life. I have been blessed with so many wonderful friends and family that care for me, much more than I knew before this event. I am blessed with a new confidence that I never had before as I have learned that I can battle cancer, nothing else is as scary as that and I am strong, much stronger than I thought. I am blessed because I can be an example, an inspiration and a teacher to others. People can learn from me and my experiences and be more proactive about their health.
To those of you still reading this, I thank you. This journey is not yet complete, but I no longer feel like I am trapped in quicksand or hopelessly turned around and lost in a deep dark forest. Yes, I still stumble and fall, yes, I am still scared, yes, I am still in that forest, but the sun is starting to rise, I can see a little more clearly, and I've found a path that will lead me out. Soon I will break through and reappear and next year, on this date, I will marvel at how much my life has changed again in just a short year. God willing, this will just be another chapter in my long life story.
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