Team H: September 2011

That's the number of views this blog has received since it was created January 2010. WOW. My first thought was "holy crap, I really hope I didn't say anything stupid." If I would have known that many times people would be looking at my posts, I probably wouldn't have said half the things I did. I then realized that it was good I didn't add that tracker button until recently.

My second thought was "I should have a lot more than 40 CAbi shows booked every year..." (Ha ha, just kidding.... kind of, after all at least half of you must be woman and we all wear clothes and when you host a party or shop, you get to see ME- a fabulous perk!)

Since I have a minor in Math (I know, you that know me best are shocked right?!?! Well all el ed majors in the state of MI were required to so it's really not that great of an accomplishment) I decided to do a little MATH. That means in the past 21 months, my blog was viewed an average of 698 times a month, break that down further to roughly 23 times a day... Unbelievable. Maybe I should start selling ad space here... I know this guy with a  really cool wiring system that can transform any car building project as well as commercial vehicles (wink wink..... hee hee....)

Talking about Jay, he is in LA this week taping a tv show for the 3rd time. This time, I got the routine down, he had the haircut, work shirts were clean and fingernails clipped in plenty of time for taping. The first time I was calling the barbershop and begging them to open early so he could get a haircut because "he's going to be on tv tomorrow and he's flying out at 9am and he can't with the way his hair looks right now, please take him?!?!" He is supposed to come home tonight, that is, if taping is complete.

The kids are good. We are into a nice little school routine and they are enjoying it. I am enjoying the free time, and of course it is filled up with lots of activity.  I drive back and forth to school 2-5 times a day (super fun), fill out tons of paperwork, manage homework, pack lunches, make snacks, wash uniforms, etc. AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!! I am so happy to just do the regular, normal stuff. I've even met new people who have no idea I'm "that Kari Harris" until someone else clues them in.

I'm trying to get myself readjusted to life again. I still have lots of doctor appointments, probably averages 2-3 a month by the time you consider there is the oncologist, blood draws, endocrinologist, plastic surgeon, radiation oncologist, oncology gynecologist, primary care doctor, and probably another few that I am forgetting.... I am reading a few books I found at the library, Surviving after Cancer, 100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer, and Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer. I'll start with those, and see if I need to read any more. My treatments are hopefully forever over, and the appointments I have now are check ups, follow ups and for well being. I still get nervous before the appointments, and they are never going to be without fear, but they are tolerable. The fear of the unknown is very crippling sometimes.

It's hard to re-enter life. There is no "getting back to normal" because after hearing a cancer diagnosis, your life is never the same. You can't sit on your child's bedroom floor when you can't sleep, bald and sick as a dog, and worry how your child's life is going to change based on your illness, crying and praying that you can be there to help them grow up; without having your priorities and life rearranged. You can't hear your son tell you that every time he can make a wish he wishes that "Mommy gets better" and not be affected by that. You can't sit outside your daughter's playroom as she plays dolls and smile as you hear her say "I'll be the mommy." And then a few minutes later cry when she says " Mommy can only play with you for a few more minutes and then mommy has to go lay down and grandma will play with you."

Some changes are good. I say yes to a lunch with friends and let the dirty dishes sit in the sink, I savor experiences, I thank God at least 3 times a day for the little things I get to experience, I've slowed down and focused on what I am doing, rather than thinking/planning what I have to do next. I've learned to say no and not feel guilty about it. Some changes are not so good. I used to get an invitation to something and run out and buy a present, or start preparing for the kids summer birthdays at Easter because I wanted to have plenty of time to make it perfect. Now I still try to be super organized because I am afraid that I won't be here when the event happens. I run out and buy things, make plans, and then Jay has to listen to all my details when he comes home that night. Then I have to show my mom it all the next time she comes over. This is silly, but better than putting sticky note labels all over everything. The kids each have a three ring binder. It is labeled with their names and all their activities, super organized and ready for anyone to read, understand and take over if need be. Of course, every thought instead of "When Katie gets married, or when the kids graduate..." is replaced by "If I am here to see Katie get married this is what should happen, and if I am not, don't let blank happen." When the kids graduate if I'm not here you need to buy them..." I have presents purchased for big occasions in the next few years, and I have plans for future big events, just in case I am not here for them. But I struggle with that too. I remember listening to an NPR piece about a woman whose mother died of cancer when she was 15 and the mother had written her daughter letters before her death, to be opened on various occasions like first day of college, birthdays, Christmas, wedding day. The daughter at first treasured these letters and then as she got older dreaded the part of each occasion where the letter would be presented and she'd be forced to read it and relive her mother's death all over. I don't want to do that to my children. Ugh, sometimes it is just too much to think about and process.

If you know me and my family well, you know that my mom, grandmother and I all watched All My Children forever. It is coming to an end this month, and I have been watching this last few weeks with great interest. In the land of Pine Valley, the rules don't apply. Everyone wears fancy clothes, rushes off to work , business lunches and meetings, yet no one can call each other on the phone, they all have to see them in person. You can't be super successful and busy, yet talk to everyone in person. Also, everything is a catastrophic event. It's not a rainstorm, it's a tornado. It's not a burned dinner creating smoke, it's a smoke bomb by a stalker or a 5 alarm fire started for revenge. No one has the stomach flu, they are pregnant with their enemy's baby, have cancer, or some weird something that has yet to be diagnosed that will wreck their lives. And now, that the show is ending, they are trying to wrap up everything, create perfect happy endings and make everything turn out ok. Even people who have supposedly died, have come back to be reunited with their long lost love and family members. It's natural, everyone wants to wrap things up neatly, and leave with a good feeling. People like to leave their jobs with two weeks notice, so that they have time to clean things up, train the new person, and say good bye to their friends. They are plans and preparation for the end of a school year, the end of a sports league, the end of a class. Things that end abruptly, leave us confused and without closure. When you go to a restaurant that you love and find out its closed, you're shocked. A sudden store closing, a Monday morning when you find out someone was fired Friday afternoon, it's hard to comprehend. You try to make sense of something that you can't. When something ends abruptly, it doesn't give us time for closure. Everyone needs transition. I used to hate that I had this cancer diagnosis was a cloud hanging over my head, wouldn't it be better to live and not know that your time could be limited? I don't know. I can't go back and change anything. I can't go back to that time of innocence, I can't change what has happened. I have to transition to the next phase and keep growing and keeping on. I will get up each day, complete what I need to do, and it will just become routine, do what I need to do, try to find the joy and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Going backwards is not an option. Moving forward is the only choice I have. I may need to sit down, or take a detour around a boulder, but I will continue up that hill....

By the way, I updated the site so that making comments should be a lot easier, when I added the visit counter.... comment away!