Merry Christmas Eve!

I woke up today thinking about my Grandma Krupa and Christmas Eve at her and my Grandpa's house growing up.  It was so much fun to see all my cousins and play and catch up with them.  My dad is one of 6 and each of his brothers and sisters have at least 2 kids so all together I have 14 first cousins and 10 aunts and uncles.  We all crammed around all the tables that would fill up my grandparents house and have a traditional Polish Christmas Eve dinner called Wylyia.  A few years ago, after both my grandparents passed, I made a storybook of all the pictures and memories my family and I had from those Christmas Eve's growing up.  I am so glad I made that and I know I will be looking at that book today and reading all those words my aunts, uncles and cousins wrote about the Christmas Eve's growing up. 

They were wild, noisy, sugar fueled evenings of fun for us kids- running around, playing games, pulling up the trapdoor to the crawl space to bury our yearly book, climbing through the bathroom windows, raiding the dresser drawers to find Grandpa's candy stash and some years a visit from santa, other years a gift exchange.  What fun for any kid! 

I am so thankful to have those memories and had those gatherings with my cousins.  You could always count on Christmas Eve not to be dull! 

I can't believe all the work my grandparents would do to get ready for the event.  I know they planned for weeks and cooked for days.  I know my grandmother enjoyed having all her family together and in one place at the same time.  Not a simple feat for 30 people.  But a tradition is hard to break and each year as the family got older and expanded in numbers she always welcomed any guests and new family members and had a place for them to sit and eat. 

Merry Christmas Eve to you all, especially my Krupa aunts, uncles and cousins.  I miss the perogies, mixed fruit and the raisin bread.  I do not miss the soup or the fish eyes.  Merry Christmas as I break off a little part of your oplatek (wafer). 

Here's a video my cousin made of home movies of the years....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfY5nMAJf5U

Thanks for the great memories Grandma and Grandpa Krupa- I miss you both!  You both taught me what was important in life: family, religion, and giving back to and being involved in your community.

Bah Humbug...

Kari's posting from a few days ago is an important one. She has come a long way but it has been tough to see her progress when you're immersed in the day-to-day.

I know that I have had my head buried for the past month trying to end the year on a high note with the business and that I should be doing more to help Kari see her progress and cheer her up. 

In that light, I wanted to post a picture that Audrey took from the weekend. Katie is in her pouty-phase. She will tell you what she is mad about something, cross her arms and stick out her lower lip. She went through this routine on Saturday when the twins were over. Audrey caught this and did a little editing. This is certainly fitting and I hope it brings a little humor to your day.

Jay

One More Thought....

I just stayed up way too late reading the entire blog from start (before I was diagnosed with cancer) to now.  There are things that I have expereinced with treatment that I have already forgotten and moved on from.  A friend of mine emailed me this week and pointed out how far I have come, and after rereading the blog postings, I realized I really have come far.  It makes me feel better and makes me keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel and taking it one day at a time.  Rereading the posts was good.  I smiled, laughed, cried, marveled at how much my children have grown over the past year and a half and was reminded of how many people I have praying for me and cheering me on.  I appreciate those of you that are running the marathon with me... it's easy to be there in the beginning, but this is a long road and I appreciate all the support. 

Cousins...

Rob, Audrey and twins came over last night for dinner. It was a little kid-fest. Here are some of the video highlights...

Half way through!

I am half way through this second round of chemo now and am determined to get the last 6 treatments.  The side effects, while mild when compared to other chemo drugs, have a high likelihood of neuropathy.  That is tingling and no feeling in the fingers and toes.  This can get so bad that people can't hold things and can't walk without the assistance of a cane or a walker.  Once I start feeling tingling, they will monitor it and my chemo treatments and when I am having trouble walking, they will discontinue the chemo.  Then they hope the neuropathy will reverse, but there is no guarantee.  I am hoping that since I made it this far without any tingling, it will continue to not be an issue for me.  Only time will tell. 

My mom took me to chemo this past week and we met with the oncologist one last time before the holidays.  I will continue the weekly treatments over the holiday weeks and will meet with the oncologist again on January 6th.  I am hoping then we will get some direction as to when we will meet with the radiologist and start planning the next phase of treatment. 

My hair is continuing to grow and I will warn you now that if you come within 2 feet of me and talk with me for more than 5 minutes I will whip my scarf off and ask you what color you think it is.  I will also tell you to be honest.  I have heard all colors, including a few who think it is gray.  Wouldn't that just be the icing on this shitcake?! Gray hair at 34.  I guess this is something else that only time will tell.

James and Katie continue to have school this week.  I am planning on making a whole bunch of cookies on Tuesday for Christmas.  James has his Christmas party on Wednesday and I am helping out with it.  I am excited to be in his classroom and do some games and projects with his friends.  Thursday my mom and dad are coming for the day.  My mom will take me to chemo and my dad will watch the kids since they have no school.  They will hang out until Jay gets home from work.    Friday we are going to 3pm mass, have to remember to bring the flashlights for Silent Night at the end of mass, and then we are going to Jay's parents for Christmas Eve.  I am excited to see all the nephews (niece to arrive in March!) open all their presents.  Christmas Day will be spent at my parents with my grandfather and Rob and Audrey and the twins.  Then it will be fun to see the girls and James open up all their presents.  We're hoping to get to Michigan sometime between Christmas and New Years. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  I hope that you spend the day enjoying friends, family, love and life! 

Tired...

I am so tired today. It's been a long weekend but still it was not jam packed with activity, but I sure feel like it was! Had the St. Giles CCW Christmas party on Friday night. It was a fun time and everyone kept telling me how good I looked. That's because last week my rock star makeup artist friend Jen (www.blushbyjen.com) came over with a whole big bag of MAC goodies for me. She showed me how to conceal, brighten, and bronze some color on my face. She also taught me how to color in some awesome eye brows. So all compliments can be directed to her and her super make up skills. Saturday I slept in, shocking, as I was so tired and then I headed out to elmhurst to help with the sample sale in the afternoon. Jay took the kids to the Brookfield zoo and met up with his friend Dan and two of dan's boys. Today all Katie can talk about are her new friends Danny and Alex! They had a fun time. Last night Katie, James and I cuddled in bed and finally fell asleep about 10pm. Late night for my babies but they used every excuse in the book to avoid going to bed. Today we were up and at em bright and early for church and Sunday school. After Sunday school was james' class Christmas pageant. Super cute. Jay took a few pictures with his iPhone so hopefully he can post them. Afterwards they had a breakfast for all of us. It was nice to see and chat with some friends i haven't had a chance to catch up with in a while. Then this afternoon I had the sample sale at my home for cabi and then I took a relaxing bath. Now the kids are watching dora's Christmas adventure and I am chilling waiting for desperate housewives to start! Miss my usual glass of wine i used to enjoy while watching the show, but whatcha going to do? Just have to find something else to replace it with!

Getting close to Christmas. Got some wrapping to do, but all the presents are purchased. I've been trying to focus on family and the meaning of Christmas rather than trips to see Santa and writing wish lists. So far so good. Katie will tell you that Jesus' birthday is soon and James is learning all about the meaning of christmas. Looking forward to celebrating with the families and hope I don't tear up too much!  Can't help but think how many Christmases am I going to be here for....

Thanks for all your continued support. It sure does mean a lot and go a long way. I'm enjoying all the great holiday cards that are arriving daily.

Stay warm everyone!

Chemo Chemo Chemo....

More chemo tomorrow.  It's funny how much of a weekly routine it's become.  Work out at the gym on Monday, errands on Tuesday, guild or CAbi on wednesday, chemo on Thursday.  Just worked it right into my schedule.  Kinda like a standing weekly appointment, like a manicure, or a weekly root canal.  Okay, well maybe not a root canal, as I have never had a root canal, or a cavity even, but that's a story for another day.  Or maybe right now.  How can someone so healthy as to never even have a cavity get cancer and not know it for so long??!!?! 

The routine of it all is getting tiring, but 7 more times, six after tomorrow.  I just have to keep that in mind.  I have to change my mindset too as my friend Judy pointed out today, I need to stop telling people I have cancer.  She says I need to say I had cancer, as she is totally convinced that it has all been removed, therefore, I had it versus have it.  I like that thinking.  Kind of like most of the things I do, chemo and radiation is just overkill and excessive, mind numbing attention to detail.  I tend to over plan and be extremly attentive to detail, so all this treatment is just par for the course.  Being completely and overerly sure that it is destroyed. 

My friend Jen is taking me to chemo tomorrow, and I am looking forward to seeing her and catching up.  She took the day off work, just to take me.  So nice.  Especially since it is early, 9am, and so she has to leave her house at 7am.  Doesn't even get to sleep in.  Poor girl.   Tomorrow will be early for James and Katie too.  James gets to go to before school care tomorrow and he is super excited.  Wonder how excited he will be when I wake him up at 7am. That boy certainly takes after his mama, likes to stay up late watching tv and playing games and likes to sleep til 9am.   I think the world would be a better place if things started no earlier than 9am.  Morning person I am not.  I know that is a complete shock to so many of you, hee hee. 

I'm sure I will be doing more updating as the weekend progresses.  We have a big weekend, CAbi sample sale, the kids are having an adventure with daddy on Saturday, Christmas party at church, James' CCD Christmas pageant.  Lots of excitement!   

Having a Hard Day

I planned to go to the gym today with Jay and the kids, but instead I slept until 10am.  Now I am supposed to be straightening up the house in prep for putting up the Christmas tree today, but instead I decided to write here.  I am just having a hard day.  It is frustrating to me that I am too tired to do the things I want to do.  Too tired to do the things I should do.  Too busy going to treatment or doctor appointmenrs to do the things I want to, or need to.  It is just frustrating.  I am tired of it.  I wonder if I will ever feel ok, ever feel back to my old self, wonder if I will ever forget that I had cancer.  I wonder if I will be able to move on from this and be normal.  I know that there will be so many reminders of this for the rest of my life that it will likely be hard to forget.  I also wonder how people make it through thier checkups when their treatment is over.  It has to be terrible and frightening and I am terrified that this will spread somewhere else.  It can't occur again since I have no more breast tissue, but it can still spread somewhere else.  I just feel so helpless.  And sometimes hopeless.  I think of my kids and Jay, and how I want to stay strong and just enjoy the moments with them, but sometimes it just makes me feel worse because of what I am doing to them, putting them through and what effect this will have on them.  Especially James, he is having such a hard time with this and is so worried about me.  It just breaks my heart.  I just wish I knew what to do. 

Thanks for letting me vent! Now I am going to get going and not let cancer ruin any more of this day. 

Chemo Update....

So last week I was too sick to receive chemo, but luckily, depending how you look at it, I don't have to make it up, so this past Thursday it was treatment number 4.  Surprisingly to me, but not my mom, my counts were still a little too low, so I did not receive the full amount of chemo drugs.  I got 80% dosage.  It wasn't too bad.   The nurse was very nice and the afternoon wasn't too long.  8 more treatments to go.  Hard to believe I have two more months of chemo to go. 

Exciting news! My hair is starting to grow back!  I am trying not to get too excited as I am not sure if it will fall out again in the next few weeks with this chemo medication.  It took quite a while for it to fall out with the first round, but this is a different chemo med, so maybe the hair won't fall out.  I guess only time will tell.  In the meantime, I am enjoying watching my eyelashes and eyebrows grow back, and studying my head trying to decide what color the growth is looking like.... I think it might be blonde! 

Ordered Christmas cards this evening, and wrapped presents the last few nights.  I can't believe that it will be Christmas Eve in exactly three weeks!  Yikes!  The first snow is on its way overnight, and it can't be denied- winter is here.  I am torn between wanting to speed up winter, and slow it down.  I want to speed it up so that my treatments go faster, but I also want to slow it down because I just want to enjoy my family and life in general.  It all seems to go too fast, and be too fragile.  When I start to think about all I have ahead of me still treatment-wise, and wonder how many months and years out from treatment it will take until I am not nervous about a relapse, I just have to stop and take a breath and remind myself to take it one day at a time. 

Katie Serenading the Dog

Katie has a new song and wanted to share it with the dog. 

Enjoy!

Jay

Checking In....

It's been quite a week....On Monday I woke up not feeling well.  I got James to school and made it back with Katie and her and I were hanging out on the 4th floor and I started to really feel bad.  By the afternoon I had full blown stomach flu complete with chills, fever, body aches and major dehydration.  Lovely.  Jay came home at 3 and insisted on calling my oncologists nurse.  Once she returned our phone call, almost two hours later, I was fairly certain I knew what she was going to say, come in to the hospital.  By this time, it was almost 6pm and James had a school play that he needed to go to.  I decided to send Jay with the kids to the play and I would find a friend to take me to the hospital.  About 15 minutes later, Jay returned with the kids, as James got sick in the car.  I finally called uncle on the situation and did what anyone does when they reach the end of their rope and don't know what to do- I called my mommy.  So, new plan.  Jay would stay home until my mom got to my house, and I would find someone to take me to the hospital.  Once my mom got there, then Jay would come to the ER to take me home.  So, that is what we did.  Thank you to my friend Haj for answering my call and taking me to the ER.  Thank you to my mom for getting to my house so quickly.  Jay got to the ER after I had been through triage and in a room, with an IV going and my port accessed.  They took lots of blood to test and gave me some compazine through my IV to make me feel better.  They took my blood pressure and heart rate.  Based on my very low blood pressure and my very high heart rate, they admitted me for severe dehydration.  About midnight I made it up to the oncology floor.  After that, things just seemed to get worse.  Every blood draw came back deficient in something. Magnesium, potassium, and finally iron.  I got about 6 bags of saline, a couple bags each of magnesium and potassium, and finally two blood transfusions to raise my iron count.  With each blood draw my white blood count kept reducing so first I was keeping my Wednesday chemo appointment, then it was moved to Friday, and finally it was cancelled.  On Thursday morning, Thanksgiving, they came in and drew my blood about 5am in prep for early rounds.  Finally, everything looked okay, and although my doctor said that if it wasn't Thanksgiving, she'd probably keep me one more day, she let me go home.  Yeah!  So, what I thought would be a few hours in the ER turned into three days in the hospital. 

Thanks to my mom who took care of James all day Tuesday, and stayed to clean and get the house in order until Wednesday afternoon.  (Luckily he didn't get too sick and is back to his normal self.)  Thank you to my mother in law who came over on Wed afternoon to watch James and Katie so Jay could get things done and come visit me at the hospital.  And a big thank you to my sister in law and brother in law who had James and Katie Wednesday night, all day Thursday and Thursday night.  I am sure they  had a super fun time with their cousins and a nice Thanksgiving with the Harris and Mitchell families. 

I am still weak and kind of achy, so I still resting and sleeping a lot.  I am hoping to be back to normal by Saturday or Sunday. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  I am thankful for all the love, prayers, support and concern from my friends and family. 

Bee Movie

The Oak Park Women's Guild held a fundraiser in my honor today at the Lake Theatre in Oak Park.  We saw the Bee Movie.  It was very cute.  It was also Katie's first movie in a movie theatre!  I think her favorite part was the popcorn.  Thank you to the Oak Park Women's Guild ( www.oakparkwomensguild.org ) for holding an event in my honor and thank you to all of you that attended.  I am very touched by the outpouring of support I am receiving from family, friends and the community. 

Update....

So I had my first treatment last Thursday.  It went ok.  It is a longer process, the medicine drips in for more than hour.  Halfway through I started to feel nausious.  Not good.  By the time I was done on Thursday it was almost 5:30, my mom and James picked me up and I came home, ate a little bit and went to sleep.  I didn't wake up until almost 12 hours later.  On Friday I felt nausious and tired, but not as bad as I did on Thursday night.  By the evening though, I was feeling pretty good.  This medicine is again cummulative, and I am hoping that the medicine's effects don't get much worse as time goes on.  But I will deal with it if it does. 

Saturday I felt well enough to venture back to the gym with Jay and the kids, hadn't been there for 5 months!  We then went to lunch in Des Plaines at the Choo Choo Cafe- one of James and Katie's favorite places to eat.  They bring your food to you via train car.  Sunday we went to church and James to Sunday School, and then in the afternoon we went to family swim at the gym.  It was fun but the water is so cold!  They need to turn up the heat on that pool.  All in all it was a nice weekend.

Today I went to the gym again.  Figure I may as well use it while I am feeling good.  It is surprising how good I feel, on good days.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors a few times while working out today and at first I didn't recognize myself.  I feel like my outside doesn't match my inside.  After I finished working out I was going to shower at the gym, but I haven't figured out how to do that there just yet.  I don't want to scare anyone with my bald head and scarred up body.  When Katie and I were getting ready to go swimming, I was trying to quickly take my hat off and put my swimcap on while no one was around.  Do you know that it is very difficult to put a swim cap on a bald head? Well I didn't either, until I tried.  I ended up picking it up across the room where it landed after it shot off my head.  And of course two girls about 12 walked in while I am standing there with a bald head trying to wrestle this cap on my head.  Great.  They handled it pretty well though, better than I probably would have at 12. 

After the gym today, I picked Katie up from Kid's Club and she wanted a bagel.  So, we went next door to Bruegger's and got her a blueberry bagel- her favorite.  It was so much fun to just sit with her and watch her eat and talk with her.  She is just so sweet and is turning into such a big girl.  What a blessing it was to just sit and enjoy Katie. 

This weekend is the Bee Movie fundraiser that the Oak Park Women's Guild is holding in my honor.  I am truly touched by their thoughtfulness and hard work in preparing this fundraiser.  Here are the details if any of you find yourself with a free morning this coming Saturday and want to join us at Lake Theatre 1022 Lake Street, Oak Park.  Doors open at 9:30....

James the Musician / Performance Artist...

Okay all...

One of James' favorite toys is Kari's iPhone.  Mostly he play games on it, but he really likes to play with the voice recorder.  He had the idea yesterday to grab the guitar that Rob & Audrey have him for Chrstmas a few years ago and record an unplugged session. 

Here is his first piece titled "Tribute to Mommy". 

The second one is a little more avant garde.  It starts off as an instrumental then morphs into a psychadelic, guitar-smashing climax.  He left the piece untitled.  You can hear it here. 

Enjoy!

Jay

T'was the Night Before Chemo...

So it is the night before my next round of treatment begins... the last night of my break.  Jay came home from work, we had a nice dinner then he bathed and put Miss Katie to bed and took James downstairs to watch videos on how things are made (the kid is going to know more than me in about 5 seconds if he keeps this level of curiosity up) and I decided to take a bath.  A nice long bath with the jets on and a Lush bath bomb.  I even took my book that I'd forgotten I didn't finish with me.  And I finished it.  After I got out I realized that I had spend more than an hour and a half in the bathtub!  It's amazing I didn't shrivel up.  But it was wonderful and I feel ready to take on tomorrow and the next 12 weeks.  I have enjoyed my break and found it so easy to shed the daily ritual of shots and medications.  I even started feeling really good and getting energy back. It is surprising how quickly you can fall in and out of a routine.  I'm glad for this little break as it helped me realize there is light at the end of this year long tunnel, and I will eventually return to my old self.

The book that I finally finished was Eat, Pray, Love, and no, I haven't seen the movie yet.  But I did enjoy the story about finding yourself and some wisdom that I can apply now.  The last paragraph of the Final Recognition and Reassurance (I always read the acknowledgements) particularly hit home for me.  It says "In the end though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives.  In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."  I keep saying how I can never repay everyone for their kindness and generosity, but I can promise to pay it forward.  While I continue to pledge that I will continue to be community service oriented and stay involved in the activities and organizations that I am already a part of, I felt a relief almost in reading this paragraph.  Relief from the realization that people are not helping me because they expect me to pay it forward, or pay it back one day, or anything else.  The miraculous scope of human generosity is helping me and my family from the goodness of their hearts. 

Funny Story Sidenote:
Funny story about the Lush bath bombs that Jay will tell you if he ever gets a chance, he thinks it's hilarious.  The first time we went to London was the summer we got married.  It was a fabulous summer.  I ended the school year about the middle of June, we got married June 29th, we went to St. Lucia for our honeymoon for a week, came home for about two weeks and then Jay had to go to London for business so I went along.  I had this Lucky magazine that I brought along with me as it had a whole shopping section about London and all the places you had to visit.  Lush was one of them.  Turns out we did not stay in London proper, but were about an hour and a half or so outside of London, in Swindon.  Minor details, right?  Not a lot of shopping in London, when you are really in Swindon.  Anyway, we spend the week in Swindon and took the train into London for the weekend.  Now I was going to get to do some shopping! My new husband, wanting to be supportive of what I want to do asks where I want to go.  I say Lush!  He says where is it, so I show him the map in the magazine.  Turns out it's in Covent Gardens (I'll never forget it because it is a beautiful place) which is nowhere near where we are on the tube, but Jay figures it out and we eventually get there.  We find Lush, I am super excited, we go in.  Jay spends about 30 seconds in there before his allergies go haywire and he has to run out, leaving me, the overspender/shopper to fill my backpack to the brim with Lush products.  45 minutes later I emerge, backpack heavy with all the cool stuff I have purchased.  I declare I am done and we can now do whatever he wants to do.  So, we hop back on the tube to go see all the touristy things in London we wanted to see.  For the rest of the weekend we pass literally 15 Lush's.  They are like the Walgreens of London.  They are everywhere.  With each passing Lush, it gets more hysterical and Jay makes the joke, look honey, there's a Lush, I am so glad we rode on the tube for 45 minutes to find that one Lush that exists in London.  To which I point out the magazine didn't say there were multiple locations.  The punchline to this whole story is that at the airport coming back home, we are wasting time while we wait for the plane, and yes folks, there is a Lush in the airport.  I lugged around 15 pounds of bath products for an entire weekend, when I very well could have bought them at the airport.  I did the only thing I could do.  I went in and bought a few more and stuffed them in my carry on.  A few years later, Jay and I went into the Oak Brook Marshall Fields to do some shopping and guess what they had? A whole Lush shop. I promptly pointed out how cool we were because not only did we know about Lush before it came to the states, but we had gone out of our way to visit one in London.

Lesser of Two Evils... and Lessons...

Cancer is evil and a lot of the time I feel like the choices I have to make are not really choices.  They are picking the one that I feel is better at the time, or picking the one that makes me feel better mentally, but not necessarily physically.  For example:
-Chemo.  To imporve the odds of 10 year survival it was recommended that I undergo chemo and radiation.  Seems like a nobrainer right? Pick the chemo and radiation.  But then you get this super long list of side effects and they are pretty scary.  Then you get the lesson about what chemo does.  It's posion that is pumped into your body to destroy any free cancer cells that are roaming your body.  But it destroys them along with the good cells in your body.  It's like turning the light off in a room by blowing the room up.  You are destroying a whole lot of good stuff too. 
-What kind of chemo? So now I have decided that I will do the chemo, regardless of the side effects, and then they ask me if I want to participate in a research study.  My first reaction is no, I want standard drug care that others with my type of breast cancer get, but then they share the study with me.  It is nothing new drug-wise, the drugs are standard, proven cancer drugs, but the way they deliver them is what is different.  There are 4 arms of the study and I would be randomized into one of those four arms.  So instead of doing 6 weeks of standard chemo, I could end up being randomized into a group that takes up to 29 weeks to complete.  I decide to do the research study as it is drugs given over a longer time that will increase my odds of survival, and of course I get randomized into the longest study.  Good in that I get the longest treatment possible, bad in that it will take me so long to complete treatment.
-Reconstruction.  At the time of my double mastectomy the doctors did not recommend doing reconstruction since I needed to undergo radiation, so I got expanders put in.  Good in that it gives me the ability to stetch my skin and get the surgeon skin to perform the reconstruction, especially if radiation destroys some of the skin, but bad in that these things are uncomfortable.  They are not me so they do not move and stretch with me very well.  They make sleeping on my side difficult, and they make laying with my children difficult.  It hurts when they rest their heads on me, but it is a hurt that I endur as it hurts too much mentally to not cuddle with my children.  It's also hard knowing that when the reconstruction surgery is done, I will have another 6 weeks of not being able to pick up anything heavier than a gallon on milk, and again relying on people to do a lot for me.
-Ports.  I got a port put in so that I wouldn't destroy the veins in my left arm, the only arm that blood can ever be drawn from, or blood pressure taken from, because of the number of lymph nodes taken from my right side.  Seems again, a no brainer to have this thing inserted into you so that blood draws and chemo infusions are easy, but no.  It is a bumpy thing that sticks out of my upper chest and itches and causes pain at times.  It shows with most of my shirts, it made me sick when it was put it, will probably make me sick when it is taken out, and when my kids accidently elbow me in it, it hurts.  It is also on the side that I hold my kids when I carry them, so it gets bumped and elbowed a lot. 
-Hair.  I miss my hair.  I knew my hair would fall out and I thought I will be ok with it.  In the grand scheme of things, this is not the worst thing that is happening to me and it will grow back. Plus, not shaving my legs will be kind of a nice break.  Well, as is the norm, nothing is normal or pedicatable.  While all the hair on my head fell out, I do have a little stubble on my head, just enough creep me out when rub my head.  My eyelashes have just about all fallen out, my eyebrows are very thin, but still hanging in there, and the hair on my legs, it's still growing, slowed down considerbly, but I still have to shave. 
-Expense.  Cancer is expensive and I am fortunate in that I have a lot of very generous friends and family that have organized fundraisers in my honor. As much as I appreciate and need this kind of help, it is very hard to accept.  It is hard to accept help when I have always been able to provide for myself and now I can't.  I can't work with the treatments and the side effects, and I regret stopping teaching sometimes because now I would have insurance and a job to go back to when I felt better.  However, I would not have had the experiences with my children that I have had the last 5 years staying at home with them.  Plus, who is going to hire a bald person that looks sick?
-Help.  People have not only been kind in donating and fundraising for me, but they have also been so kind in making meals for my family, taking my kids on playdates, taking me out and cheering me up.  It's so wonderful that everyone is so generous with their time, treasure, and talent, but sometimes it is so hard for me to accept- especially when I am the one who is used to giving and not recieving.  Sometimes people drop dinners off and I feel so guilty, like I really could cook a meal, and then a break happens and I realize just how bad I have been feeling and just how much I really did need those meals as it would have been very hard for me to shop and prepare that food for my family.  It's also hard since I know that I will never be able to repay everyone for all thier kindness, but as I have said in the past, I will continue to pay it forward whenever I can. 

But having cancer has taught me a lot of things, and has given me a lot of gifts.  Weird sounding huh? But other than your wedding, have you ever stood in a room full of people who were there because they truly cared about you and are ready to support you? I have. And it was wonderful to know that I have so many people that are there for me, not only when times are good, but there to pick me up and carry me through the bad times.  It's wonderful that when I go somewhere, I usually see someone I know and they are asking me how I am doing, how my family is doing and telling me they are praying for me and thinking about me.  When I first was diagnosed I would dread running into people I knew.  Worried they may be thinking that if I was well enough to be out and about, I was well enough to make meals, take my kids places and do the things they were helping me do.  Then I realized that was not what people were thinking and that they truly realized I needed help and wanted to help me.  I also realized I needed to try to continue my every day life as normal as possible for many reasons.  First I told myself I needed to do this for my kids, then it was for me, to keep my spirits up and now it is for everyone.  I want to show myself, my kids and the world that I value the things that I do, how I spend my time is a choice.  Yes, I get the things I need to get done done, the errands, the things around the house, but I also make better choices about what I spend my time doing.  I do things I enjoy along with the things I have to do.  I make the choice to go to activities that are important to me, to see the people that are important to me, as well as to do the things I know I need to do.  Yes, there are things I that I'd like to do, that I just can't.  I am too tired, or too sick, or too busy with treatments to do everything I did before, but I am learning to be ok with that.  I am learning to say no, and not feel guilty about it.  I am learning to not take on so much, to schedule down time with my family, spend time with my friends, and find a way to participate in things that I value, but in a way that I can make sure I am not taking on too much.  When I make a committment to do something, I have to follow through, so I am learning to not over commit myself, something I tended to do before cancer. 

I am also trying to enjoy myself more, and live more in the moment.  I always loved spending time, as well as going places, with my Grandma Kutlzer for whatever we did,  we always had a good time.  I was thinking about her recently and wondering why I have all these good memories of things that were really not that exciting growing up.  I mean, my grandparents took me on a lot of exciting trips, and did a lot of special things for me, but they also did a lot of every day things with us.  I realized that no matter what it was that I did with my grandma, a special occassion or just an every day activity, she always had this smile on her face and this twinkle in her eye.  We could go out to the fanciest dinner, or she could come over for take out chinese on a Sunday afteernoon, and she would have the same smile on her face.  I realize now that she was enjoying herself, truly enjoying herself and that is why she was so happy.  She was in the moment, living, caring and being who she was.  She wasn't distracted with what she needed to do at home, what else she could be doing, or what other people were thinking.  She lived honestly, did what her heart told her was right and cared about people.  She valued her family and her friends.  Had a soft spot for animals, especially strays.  Loved the beach and the water. Cared about people and found happiness in every day activities.  Maybe that is what cancer taught her, and maybe that is what cancer is teaching me too. 

Halloween Fun!

Here are some pictures of Katie and James at Halloween.  Katie was a ballerina and James was buzz lightyear.  We went trick or treating with Caroline and Olivia!

Out trick or treating!

Katie and mommy

playng in Aunt Audrey's witch hat!

Pretty ballerina Katie!

I love my tutu!

Break...

Just an update that I am enjoying my break from chemo and we had a ncie time in Lake Geneva and trick or treating for Halloween.  I will post pix of all of it soon.  Jay is in Vegas for the SEMA show and pictures are on his camera.  Thank you for all your continued support and prayers. 

Pampered Chef...

A family friend, and pampered chef consultant, Colleen Awbrey has set up a catalog show fundraiser in my honor.  If you go to her website http://www.pamperedchef.biz/colleenawbrey and click on shop online, and enter me as your hostess, part of your purchase will be donated to out community bank account to offset bills. 
If you want to order Help Whip Cancer products (which proceeds will go to me, but there is a different way to order them) you have to do it seperate from your catalog show (those items don't show up when you put in your name as the organization) You can go to the website pamperedchef.biz/colleenawbrey click shop online, click #2 (not invited to a show but would like to place an order) and then the Help Whip Cancer products will be on your left and they click on those to order.

This runs now through Oct 31st.  Thank you to Colleen and thank you to all of you who purchase.  Also, if anyone books a show with Colleen, she will donate 100% of the proceeds to my account.  Get a jump on your holiday shopping and gift giving for someone special, or yourself.

Round One Complete!

It feels so good to say that Round One is complete!  I am so happy to be done with 15 weeks of hard core chemotherapy. I still have to take my daily shot and my daily chemo meds through Wednesday.  Then, I am looking forward to my break and having some time to feel like myself for more than a few days.  I will start with chemo Round Two on November 11th.  I have to have a muga scan on my heart before the next round, but other than that, no treatments.  Thank you for your continued support and prayers. 

PUMPKIN CARVING....

This year is the first year we really carved pumpkins with the kids.  James has picked out pumpkins in the past, but this is the first time carving them.  James had fun picking out a pattern and Katie wanted every pattern in the book, but was especially excited about the "kitty cat" pattern, so that's what her pumpkin features.  Mommy even separated the pumpkin seeds and we toasted them, but I'm guessing they weren't much of a hit since they are still sitting in the bowl in the kitchen, unconsumed.  Here are progressive pictures of the carving.  Enjoy!

Follow-Up to Post....

So, needlesss to say Sunday, which is when I wrote my Number 14 Down Post, was a hard day.  When Jay brought the kids home from Sunday School I was in bed crying, Katie came into the room and took one look at me and gave me a big hug and said, :You'll be ok mommy.  Don't cry."  She is such an old soul.  She knew exactly what to say and she blew both Jay and I away.  My precious Katie also reminds me of my grandma Krupa and I know she is looking down on me helping me through this.  I have a lot of people rooting and praying for me and I will be ok.   

Number 14 down!

I am so excited to say number 14 is done and I have ONE MORE TREATMENT this next week and then I will be done with Round 1!  As usual, I didn't feel well afterwards, but the knoweldge that I only have to do this one more time is giving me strength.  We met with the oncologist again this past week to get a check up (all good) get a flu shot (arm still hurts thanks to the ease with which I now bruise) and to discuss the next round.  I will have a two week break, over which I was given the ok to enjoy a drink on my weekend away with Jay in Lake Geneva (so excited!) Seriously, I am so excited for a glass of champagne that it made my day.  I think it is just because it is something that I used to regularily enjoy and it gives me a feeling of being normal again, if even it is only for one evening.  Put my wig on, get dressed up, go to dinner with my husband, order a drink and maybe no one in the dining room will be none the wiser as to what is really going on in my life.  I will just look like a normal 30 something out to dinner.  Wouldn't that be nice. 

Round 2 is going to be so much easier than this first round, or so I have been told.  No daily injections, no daily medications.  I will go on Thursdays to get a new chemo drug whose side effects are much milder, and most don't expereince any nausea, just fatigue.  I think I can handle fatigue.  This round is also shorter, 12 weeks.  So, on November 11th I start Round 2.

I can't believe I have been through 14 weeks of chemo.  I think about how much my life has changed since April, when I first found the lump and it makes me mad, angry and sad, but mostly sad.  I am sad for many reasons, what this is doing to my kids and my husband is what hurts the most.  I hurt for James the most, who is having the most trouble with this.  It is so hard to explain this to a 5 year old, and so hard to help him get through this.  He shouldn't have to hear these things, experience his mommy being sick and deal with his routine and life being turned upside down.  I feel bad about what this is doing to Jay as well.  He is working so hard to make his business a success and the last thing he needs is this mess.  When he decided to start the business I pledged to handle home and make it easy for him to just focus on builidng a business 24/7.  I have failed that miserably.  Instead, I can see how hard it is for him to juggle his business as well as doing his best to take care of me and our kids.  I know he will never complain about it, but I know it is not what he'd like to be doing right now.   I am mad at myself for somehow not finding this sooner so I could spare my famiily some of this pain.  If it didn't get so far, I wouldn't have to go through so much treatment, and then I wouldn't have turned my family's life upside down.  It's just hard not to have any control over your life, and to know that even though there is an end in sight, and I will be ok, that this will always be a part of me.   It will never really be over as there will be my body as a daily reminder of what I have been through, scans, tests and doctor appointments for the rest of my life.  I will take all that if I could just know that things will eventually return to normal and most importantly, James and will be ok and I won't have scarred them permanently. 

I'm trying my best to keep my life normal, do the normal things, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get through a whole week of my normal life.  I fear that my life will never return to normal, and this new life will be normal.  I don't want that. 

Thanks for letting me vent- and thanks for being there for me.  Support of my family and friends is what gets me through this, especially days like this when I am feeling down.  I appreciate all the things that every one of you are doing to make this journey easier for me and my family.  I thank God for famiily and friends like you. 

Katie Reading...

Katie has many favorite books.  I think that we need to bring a few new books into rotation because she is starting to read them back to me by memory.  I shot these videos tonight after bath time. 

The first one is Ten Little Fish by Audrey Wood.  James and I also read this one over and over. 




Next is Go Dog Go. 



Enjoy!

Jay

Number 13 down....

So treatment number 13 is done, and I am recovering from it.  This week has been hard, as I have had a CAbi show every day this week, Monday throuh Friday.  Taken some creative steps to meet those goals, creative med doses, help from another consultant, and of course my mom, and help from Jay in watching the kids.  I'm paying for it today though.  Tired, nauseous and achy.  I hope I can pull it together as the kids are at James' soccer game right now and then my sister in law Tricia is picking them up and keeping them at her home for the rest of the weekend.  Jay and I were hoping to go to the movies tonight.  Also a big thank you to my brother who came over yesterday afternoon to relieve my mom and take care of both kids.  Thank you Rob.  I am looking forward to next week's appointment as we are meeting with the doctor to discuss the next phase and will be that much closer to number 15 and phase one being over.  Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.  Thanks! 

Something nice from Sue

A friend of mine in Oak Park has a mobile spa business that uses Arbonne products and is simply great!  For Breast Cancer Awareness Month she is hosting a fundraiser for breast cancer research that also benefits me.  Details below, thanks Sue for thinking of someone currently undergoing treatment and the future in hopes others won't have to endure this.

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, get $5 off pedicures and $3 off manicures. 5% of all services and Arbonne products purchased in October will be donated to a dear friend Kari Harris, who is currently fighting breast cancer and 5% will be donated to Breast Cancer Research.

Applies to all purchases made by October 31, 2010 on http://www.facebook.com/l/1832ciC9XUMXH7F7mj1ywYYX7aw;www.spatreats2u.com and

Arbonne products purchased at http://www.facebook.com/l/1832cahARO7Dnv1WBpgELevSe2g;www.spatreats2u.myarbonne.com.

Cousin Playtime

Today Aunt Tricia came over with Brady and Beckett and the kids played and had fun together while Aunt Tricia tried on CAbi clothes.  It was a nice visit and we welcome them back any time!  The kids played nicely, as you can see by the pictures...

James and Brady playing blocks together

Katie and Beckett coloring nicely together...

Number 12 Down

Happy to report that treatment 12 is OVER! 3 more to go.  This was a rough one as I kind of lost it and started cryiong while she pushed my meds this week.  Not hysterical crying at least, just tears rolling down my face.  This new routine is getting to me and I felt so sick last week, that I just didn't want to repeat it again.  I can't believe that it has been 4 months of this chemo routine.  I feel so much guilt for the strain I am putting on my family.  Everyone is sacrificing so much to help me, especially Jay and my mom.  Sometimes it just feels like it will never end, but I know it will. 

I am happy to report that this time I am feeling better than last week, thank God.  My cold is finally ending, after 4 weeks, and the nausea is mild this time, so far that is.... Hoping to get to James' soccer game today and maybe do something fun tomorrow.  One can hope. 

We met with the oncologist this past Thursday before my chemo, we have another appointment with her in two weeks to discuss my next step with the 12 weeks of chemo.  Looking forward to that meeting because that means that I am closer to being done and I am interested in hearing what the next step will entail.  I am also looking forward to getting that schedule with the last chemo on it, 3 more weeks, then a glorious 2 week break. 

Blush by Jen...

Okay Folks,

One more plug for the evening.  One of our old neighbors has recently hung out her shingle as a professional make-up artist.  She is a talented interior decorator who has decided to use her keen eye for colors elsewhere. 

She did all of Kari's make-up for both of our photo shoots with Susan Wolfe and she looked great. 

You can check out her website at www.blushbyjen.com or call her at (773) 456-4964.

Susan Wolfe Photography...

Hello All,

We wanted to put a plug out there for Susan Wolfe.  She is an Oak Park based photographer who shot two different sessions with our family.  This was important to Kari because she wanted to get a set of family pictures before she started her treatment. 

She did a tremendous job on pictures for the family.  She spent an afternoon in her backyard with Kari and the kids then did another session in the gardens at the Cheney Mansion with all of us.  The pictures from both sessions turned out great.  She has a keen eye and a great sense of lighting.  We'll get some of these pictures up on the blog to show off her work. 

You can reach her at (708) 763-9030 or (773) 320-8009. 

Jay

Pulling a plane...

Kari's brother Rob invited us to the 2010 Plane Pull at O'Hare on Saturday.  This is a charity event for Special Olympics.  Essentially, you line up a team of 20 people tug-of-war style.  Instead of pulling against another team of 20 people, you are testing the fundamental laws of physics with about 100 tons of Airbus. 

It was a lot of fun.  James & Katie got to hang out with Uncle Rob & Aunt Audrey plus see cousins Caroline and Olivia.  We also got a behind the scenes tour of the O'Hare airfield.  I was supposed to help pull for Rob's company team but we had to leave before they were up because James had a soccer game.  Team HNTB did just fine without my added mass. 

Here is the formidable plane. 

...Caroline, Olivia and Katie checking out the plane...

...James posing with the plane...

They had a bunch of equipment available to explore, including some crash trucks and some snow plows.  Here is James in the cabin of a massive snow plow. 

...and Katie at the wheel...

Rob & the girls at the helm of the snow plow...

Enjoy!

Jay

Number 11 Down...

So excited to say that number 11 is over and I have 4 more treatments until a break and switch in chemo drugs.  I just hope I can do this 4 more times.  The nausea is getting much worse and I am just so tired all the time.  I am struggling to spend time with the kids and get the smallest things done.  I am grateful for all the help that I am getting from my mom, husband and dinner from friends and family.  I really appreciate it all.  I have kept all the cards and emails that I have recieved since beginning this journey and I may need to reread them this week to keep myself going strong.  Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers!

Sleeping...

Sometimes, Kari anguishes over the kids' sleeping arrangements.  Until we got married, she never really had a "roommate".  I however, bunked with someone until I moved out of my parents' house in my early 20's.  The way that our townhouse is laid out, there is really no easy way to give the kids their own rooms so they have been together since Katie learned to climb out of her crib. 

Yes, it is a challenge sometimes to put them to bed.  If they are both awake in their room, they will play until midnight.  Our usual routine is to get both of them cleaned up and dressed for bed.  We put Katie in her toddler bed and she falls asleep.  James and I spend some time together and he goes in his bed after Katie is sleeping.  For the most part, this works. 

James was exhausted so I put him in bed early, before Katie tonight.  She and I read books until James was asleep.  She spent about 20 minutes talking to her Pink Girl and then went quiet.  When I checked on them around 9:00, they were both asleep in their own beds.

Kari and I have come to the consensus that it is good for James and Katie to be sharing a room.  They love each other very much and genuinely watch out for each other.  Kari checked on the kids a little before 10:00 tonight, about an hour after I did, and this is what she found.

Treatment 10 Down...

Well, I am at double digit treatments now.  YEAH!  I feel like there is a light at the end of tunnel number 1.  5 more weeks of Thursday chemo, daily chemo meds, and daily shots.  Then I get a two week break.  Jay will be gone one of those weeks to Vegas for SEMA (we decided I should stay home and rest and catch up on things I haven't been able to do like see my grandma and have some adventures with the kids). I am also hoping Jay and I could get away for the other weekend that he will be home.  We'll see. 

This week I never got achy, but felt much more nausious.  Again, I have to just remember I am almost there.  2/3rd of the way complete.  The second phase is 12 weeks of a different chemo med and that should take me through the end of January/beginning of February.  I am not sure how much of a break there is between chemo and radiation.  The third phase is daily radiation for 5 weeks.  The fourth phase is 2 surgeries.  Still hoping to be done by June next year.  Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.  This is a long road but I intend to finish a stronger, better person. 

Oaktober Fest and the Zucchini Race...

I took James and Katie to Oak Park's Oaktober Fest yesterday afternoon.  This is our annual pre-fall street fest with live music, food and Zucchini races.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Essentially, the kids get a vegetable, 4 wheels and all of the crafty stuff that they could need to decorate their own race Zucchinis. 

James spent a good 45 minutes getting his just right while I watched Katie dance in the street.  Here is the action of the race.  Evidently, pipe cleaners decrease the coefficient of drag. 

James' First Day of Kindergarten!

James was super excited for his first day of Kindergarten and I was glad that Jay and I were able to take him!  He is attending kindergarten at Concordia University and he is loving every minute of his full day!  Here are pictures...

The mailbox shot!

Outside the front door...

At the classroom door...

Walking in! 

Inside the classroom...

Have a great year James!!!! 

#9 Down

I had another chest xray on Thursday, as well as saw the doctor before my chemo treatment.  I still have a cold and they wanted to check me out.  Haven't heard anything so the xray must not have shown anything, but will call today to make sure. I had my 9th treatment this past Thursday.  Each time I go it seems different. This time I felt sick right away, where usually I am just tired on Thursday.  Kind of messed up my plans as I had another CAbi show on Friday that I had to miss.  Thank goodness my mom was here as usual to help with the kids because I really was not feeling well on Thursday and Friday.  I didn't feel well on Saturday either, so I had to miss James' first soccer game.  Hopefully I can go next weekend.  Sunday I was ok enough to take James to his first Sunday School class and go to church while he was there, then my friend Alex was in town so she came over with her boys to play and then after the kids ate dinner we took a walk to a neighboring park.  I am looking forward to the next 6 weeks going fast and my two week break going slow.  I am also hoping that the next round of medication is not as taxing on my body as this round is.  Here's to hoping!

Goooooooaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!

Well... James has started to play soccer.  His first official practice was last Tuesday afternoon. 

He told me that he wanted to be a good soccer player so he and I spent a few hours last week after practice running the ball around the field. 

I won't profess to be any soccer player of consequence nor will I admit that I know all of the rules.  However, James did great in is first game.  His team, the Longfellow Leopards tied the Longfellow Liberty 2-2 after an intense match.  The two and only goals scored by the Leopards were scored by James.  Here's the action...

Pictures of the kids...

There is a park a few blocks from our house called Mills Park.  James used to call it the "park with the green grass" when he was younger.  On nice nights, I walk there with the kids and let them run around.  I have a lot of great pictures of them that I took there.  Here are a few of the latest that I took a few weeks ago. 

Labor Day Weekend: Zoos... old-school creepy and Lincoln Park

Well Labor Day weekend has come and gone.  Kari had her usual treatment on the Thursday before the weekend so she wasn't feeling well enough on Saturday to travel anywhere.  James, Katie and I had our rocket launching adventure that morning then packed up the car to go out to Tricia & Marc's place in Michigan with my parents.  We had a nice but brisk ride on their pontoon boat that afternoon then got the kids settled into bed that evening. 

Sunday, we took a trip to go to Deer Forest in Coloma, MI.  It is an interesting throw-back to the 1950's, wholesome but creepy in a haunted-abandoned-amusement-park sort of way.  They have a large petting zoo, a nice play ground and a handful of kids rides.  The kids had a blast. 

Here are the highlights...

Katie and Beckett were inseparable.  They had a lot of fun together. 

...following our space theme for the weekend...

...Katie didn't meet the minimum height requirement...

Here's an example of one of the Deer Forest rides. 

The Kids and I came home Sunday night.  As if we didn't have enough animal interaction, Kari, the kids and I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo on Labor Day.  Kari felt well enough to get out of the house and enjoy a late summer day on the lake front. 

James really wanted to ride the train at the Zoo.  Katie reluctantly came along.  She started out fine but...

You can hear her crying from the floor of the train car in this video...