Having a Hard Day

I planned to go to the gym today with Jay and the kids, but instead I slept until 10am.  Now I am supposed to be straightening up the house in prep for putting up the Christmas tree today, but instead I decided to write here.  I am just having a hard day.  It is frustrating to me that I am too tired to do the things I want to do.  Too tired to do the things I should do.  Too busy going to treatment or doctor appointmenrs to do the things I want to, or need to.  It is just frustrating.  I am tired of it.  I wonder if I will ever feel ok, ever feel back to my old self, wonder if I will ever forget that I had cancer.  I wonder if I will be able to move on from this and be normal.  I know that there will be so many reminders of this for the rest of my life that it will likely be hard to forget.  I also wonder how people make it through thier checkups when their treatment is over.  It has to be terrible and frightening and I am terrified that this will spread somewhere else.  It can't occur again since I have no more breast tissue, but it can still spread somewhere else.  I just feel so helpless.  And sometimes hopeless.  I think of my kids and Jay, and how I want to stay strong and just enjoy the moments with them, but sometimes it just makes me feel worse because of what I am doing to them, putting them through and what effect this will have on them.  Especially James, he is having such a hard time with this and is so worried about me.  It just breaks my heart.  I just wish I knew what to do. 

Thanks for letting me vent! Now I am going to get going and not let cancer ruin any more of this day.