class of uncertainty

I’ve been to a lot of classes in my life thus far, but today I went to one that I never thought I’d attend- chemo class. And once again, I’m the youngest in there by a good 12-15 years. I think that is probably the hardest thing to deal with throughout this process. I’m ok (surprisingly) with the bilateral mastectomy so far. I don’t want cancerous tissue in my body, and the expanders and padding will make me look just fine. I will be honest in that the swimsuit thing bothers me, as I like going to the beach and the pool, but since I can’t swim this summer anyway, I am not going to deal with that mentally right now. I have a problem with the fact that at age 33; I am dealing with breast cancer. I think it would be easier to deal with at the age of 53 or 63 as my kids would be much older; they would be through their formative childhood years and have wonderful lives of their own. I would have had the chance to travel and spend time with my husband and just experience life. Instead, in the middle of chaos of two children under five, a husband that works 80 hours a week to create a successful business, living in a house that we never intended on raising two children in, and keeping it all together, I have to figure out how I’m getting to treatments, getting my kids to school, childcare for Katie and still trying to keep some sort of a normal family routine. So far, everyone has been so helpful and willing to participate. My wonderful mom has been practically living with us since this started, and there is still so much time to go. Jay has been doing a great job of taking care of the kids and putting them to bed, and there are so many wonderful friends who have been helping out with meals, childcare and rides. I know I am fortunate to have so much help, but I worry that we can’t keep this pace up for 8-10 more months. I have a lot of chemo treatments ahead of me and then radiation follows. I am praying for strength and the ability to just try to take it one day at a time. That’s not easy for a planner like me. I am having a hard enough time not being able to plan anything until the 13th, when I find out what my chemo treatment schedule will be. I also worry about cancer reoccurrence. The odds that they gave me for being cancer free in 10 years are great, if I was playing the lottery or betting in Vegas. When you are talking about your life, nothing under 90% is comforting in my opinion. Class today answered a lot of questions, but it couldn’t answer my biggest questions: when I complete treatment, will that be the end of cancer in my body? Will I be able to see my grandchildren? Take trips with my husband? Return to normal? Will I even remember what normal is, or was, when this is all over? I know no one has a guarantee on a long life, but it is hard when something life-threatening is staring you in the face to keep it all together sometimes. I am nervous about starting chemo on Tuesday, but I know the treatments will make me better, I will know more Tuesday, and I have to remember that not everyone is the same, and the side effects from chemo that I am worrying about, just may not happen to me. One day at a time, and sometimes, one hour at a time. Please continue to keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.