Merry Christmas Eve!

I woke up today thinking about my Grandma Krupa and Christmas Eve at her and my Grandpa's house growing up.  It was so much fun to see all my cousins and play and catch up with them.  My dad is one of 6 and each of his brothers and sisters have at least 2 kids so all together I have 14 first cousins and 10 aunts and uncles.  We all crammed around all the tables that would fill up my grandparents house and have a traditional Polish Christmas Eve dinner called Wylyia.  A few years ago, after both my grandparents passed, I made a storybook of all the pictures and memories my family and I had from those Christmas Eve's growing up.  I am so glad I made that and I know I will be looking at that book today and reading all those words my aunts, uncles and cousins wrote about the Christmas Eve's growing up. 

They were wild, noisy, sugar fueled evenings of fun for us kids- running around, playing games, pulling up the trapdoor to the crawl space to bury our yearly book, climbing through the bathroom windows, raiding the dresser drawers to find Grandpa's candy stash and some years a visit from santa, other years a gift exchange.  What fun for any kid! 

I am so thankful to have those memories and had those gatherings with my cousins.  You could always count on Christmas Eve not to be dull! 

I can't believe all the work my grandparents would do to get ready for the event.  I know they planned for weeks and cooked for days.  I know my grandmother enjoyed having all her family together and in one place at the same time.  Not a simple feat for 30 people.  But a tradition is hard to break and each year as the family got older and expanded in numbers she always welcomed any guests and new family members and had a place for them to sit and eat. 

Merry Christmas Eve to you all, especially my Krupa aunts, uncles and cousins.  I miss the perogies, mixed fruit and the raisin bread.  I do not miss the soup or the fish eyes.  Merry Christmas as I break off a little part of your oplatek (wafer). 

Here's a video my cousin made of home movies of the years....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfY5nMAJf5U

Thanks for the great memories Grandma and Grandpa Krupa- I miss you both!  You both taught me what was important in life: family, religion, and giving back to and being involved in your community.

Bah Humbug...

Kari's posting from a few days ago is an important one. She has come a long way but it has been tough to see her progress when you're immersed in the day-to-day.

I know that I have had my head buried for the past month trying to end the year on a high note with the business and that I should be doing more to help Kari see her progress and cheer her up. 

In that light, I wanted to post a picture that Audrey took from the weekend. Katie is in her pouty-phase. She will tell you what she is mad about something, cross her arms and stick out her lower lip. She went through this routine on Saturday when the twins were over. Audrey caught this and did a little editing. This is certainly fitting and I hope it brings a little humor to your day.

Jay

One More Thought....

I just stayed up way too late reading the entire blog from start (before I was diagnosed with cancer) to now.  There are things that I have expereinced with treatment that I have already forgotten and moved on from.  A friend of mine emailed me this week and pointed out how far I have come, and after rereading the blog postings, I realized I really have come far.  It makes me feel better and makes me keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel and taking it one day at a time.  Rereading the posts was good.  I smiled, laughed, cried, marveled at how much my children have grown over the past year and a half and was reminded of how many people I have praying for me and cheering me on.  I appreciate those of you that are running the marathon with me... it's easy to be there in the beginning, but this is a long road and I appreciate all the support. 

Cousins...

Rob, Audrey and twins came over last night for dinner. It was a little kid-fest. Here are some of the video highlights...

Half way through!

I am half way through this second round of chemo now and am determined to get the last 6 treatments.  The side effects, while mild when compared to other chemo drugs, have a high likelihood of neuropathy.  That is tingling and no feeling in the fingers and toes.  This can get so bad that people can't hold things and can't walk without the assistance of a cane or a walker.  Once I start feeling tingling, they will monitor it and my chemo treatments and when I am having trouble walking, they will discontinue the chemo.  Then they hope the neuropathy will reverse, but there is no guarantee.  I am hoping that since I made it this far without any tingling, it will continue to not be an issue for me.  Only time will tell. 

My mom took me to chemo this past week and we met with the oncologist one last time before the holidays.  I will continue the weekly treatments over the holiday weeks and will meet with the oncologist again on January 6th.  I am hoping then we will get some direction as to when we will meet with the radiologist and start planning the next phase of treatment. 

My hair is continuing to grow and I will warn you now that if you come within 2 feet of me and talk with me for more than 5 minutes I will whip my scarf off and ask you what color you think it is.  I will also tell you to be honest.  I have heard all colors, including a few who think it is gray.  Wouldn't that just be the icing on this shitcake?! Gray hair at 34.  I guess this is something else that only time will tell.

James and Katie continue to have school this week.  I am planning on making a whole bunch of cookies on Tuesday for Christmas.  James has his Christmas party on Wednesday and I am helping out with it.  I am excited to be in his classroom and do some games and projects with his friends.  Thursday my mom and dad are coming for the day.  My mom will take me to chemo and my dad will watch the kids since they have no school.  They will hang out until Jay gets home from work.    Friday we are going to 3pm mass, have to remember to bring the flashlights for Silent Night at the end of mass, and then we are going to Jay's parents for Christmas Eve.  I am excited to see all the nephews (niece to arrive in March!) open all their presents.  Christmas Day will be spent at my parents with my grandfather and Rob and Audrey and the twins.  Then it will be fun to see the girls and James open up all their presents.  We're hoping to get to Michigan sometime between Christmas and New Years. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  I hope that you spend the day enjoying friends, family, love and life! 

Tired...

I am so tired today. It's been a long weekend but still it was not jam packed with activity, but I sure feel like it was! Had the St. Giles CCW Christmas party on Friday night. It was a fun time and everyone kept telling me how good I looked. That's because last week my rock star makeup artist friend Jen (www.blushbyjen.com) came over with a whole big bag of MAC goodies for me. She showed me how to conceal, brighten, and bronze some color on my face. She also taught me how to color in some awesome eye brows. So all compliments can be directed to her and her super make up skills. Saturday I slept in, shocking, as I was so tired and then I headed out to elmhurst to help with the sample sale in the afternoon. Jay took the kids to the Brookfield zoo and met up with his friend Dan and two of dan's boys. Today all Katie can talk about are her new friends Danny and Alex! They had a fun time. Last night Katie, James and I cuddled in bed and finally fell asleep about 10pm. Late night for my babies but they used every excuse in the book to avoid going to bed. Today we were up and at em bright and early for church and Sunday school. After Sunday school was james' class Christmas pageant. Super cute. Jay took a few pictures with his iPhone so hopefully he can post them. Afterwards they had a breakfast for all of us. It was nice to see and chat with some friends i haven't had a chance to catch up with in a while. Then this afternoon I had the sample sale at my home for cabi and then I took a relaxing bath. Now the kids are watching dora's Christmas adventure and I am chilling waiting for desperate housewives to start! Miss my usual glass of wine i used to enjoy while watching the show, but whatcha going to do? Just have to find something else to replace it with!

Getting close to Christmas. Got some wrapping to do, but all the presents are purchased. I've been trying to focus on family and the meaning of Christmas rather than trips to see Santa and writing wish lists. So far so good. Katie will tell you that Jesus' birthday is soon and James is learning all about the meaning of christmas. Looking forward to celebrating with the families and hope I don't tear up too much!  Can't help but think how many Christmases am I going to be here for....

Thanks for all your continued support. It sure does mean a lot and go a long way. I'm enjoying all the great holiday cards that are arriving daily.

Stay warm everyone!

Chemo Chemo Chemo....

More chemo tomorrow.  It's funny how much of a weekly routine it's become.  Work out at the gym on Monday, errands on Tuesday, guild or CAbi on wednesday, chemo on Thursday.  Just worked it right into my schedule.  Kinda like a standing weekly appointment, like a manicure, or a weekly root canal.  Okay, well maybe not a root canal, as I have never had a root canal, or a cavity even, but that's a story for another day.  Or maybe right now.  How can someone so healthy as to never even have a cavity get cancer and not know it for so long??!!?! 

The routine of it all is getting tiring, but 7 more times, six after tomorrow.  I just have to keep that in mind.  I have to change my mindset too as my friend Judy pointed out today, I need to stop telling people I have cancer.  She says I need to say I had cancer, as she is totally convinced that it has all been removed, therefore, I had it versus have it.  I like that thinking.  Kind of like most of the things I do, chemo and radiation is just overkill and excessive, mind numbing attention to detail.  I tend to over plan and be extremly attentive to detail, so all this treatment is just par for the course.  Being completely and overerly sure that it is destroyed. 

My friend Jen is taking me to chemo tomorrow, and I am looking forward to seeing her and catching up.  She took the day off work, just to take me.  So nice.  Especially since it is early, 9am, and so she has to leave her house at 7am.  Doesn't even get to sleep in.  Poor girl.   Tomorrow will be early for James and Katie too.  James gets to go to before school care tomorrow and he is super excited.  Wonder how excited he will be when I wake him up at 7am. That boy certainly takes after his mama, likes to stay up late watching tv and playing games and likes to sleep til 9am.   I think the world would be a better place if things started no earlier than 9am.  Morning person I am not.  I know that is a complete shock to so many of you, hee hee. 

I'm sure I will be doing more updating as the weekend progresses.  We have a big weekend, CAbi sample sale, the kids are having an adventure with daddy on Saturday, Christmas party at church, James' CCD Christmas pageant.  Lots of excitement!   

Having a Hard Day

I planned to go to the gym today with Jay and the kids, but instead I slept until 10am.  Now I am supposed to be straightening up the house in prep for putting up the Christmas tree today, but instead I decided to write here.  I am just having a hard day.  It is frustrating to me that I am too tired to do the things I want to do.  Too tired to do the things I should do.  Too busy going to treatment or doctor appointmenrs to do the things I want to, or need to.  It is just frustrating.  I am tired of it.  I wonder if I will ever feel ok, ever feel back to my old self, wonder if I will ever forget that I had cancer.  I wonder if I will be able to move on from this and be normal.  I know that there will be so many reminders of this for the rest of my life that it will likely be hard to forget.  I also wonder how people make it through thier checkups when their treatment is over.  It has to be terrible and frightening and I am terrified that this will spread somewhere else.  It can't occur again since I have no more breast tissue, but it can still spread somewhere else.  I just feel so helpless.  And sometimes hopeless.  I think of my kids and Jay, and how I want to stay strong and just enjoy the moments with them, but sometimes it just makes me feel worse because of what I am doing to them, putting them through and what effect this will have on them.  Especially James, he is having such a hard time with this and is so worried about me.  It just breaks my heart.  I just wish I knew what to do. 

Thanks for letting me vent! Now I am going to get going and not let cancer ruin any more of this day. 

Chemo Update....

So last week I was too sick to receive chemo, but luckily, depending how you look at it, I don't have to make it up, so this past Thursday it was treatment number 4.  Surprisingly to me, but not my mom, my counts were still a little too low, so I did not receive the full amount of chemo drugs.  I got 80% dosage.  It wasn't too bad.   The nurse was very nice and the afternoon wasn't too long.  8 more treatments to go.  Hard to believe I have two more months of chemo to go. 

Exciting news! My hair is starting to grow back!  I am trying not to get too excited as I am not sure if it will fall out again in the next few weeks with this chemo medication.  It took quite a while for it to fall out with the first round, but this is a different chemo med, so maybe the hair won't fall out.  I guess only time will tell.  In the meantime, I am enjoying watching my eyelashes and eyebrows grow back, and studying my head trying to decide what color the growth is looking like.... I think it might be blonde! 

Ordered Christmas cards this evening, and wrapped presents the last few nights.  I can't believe that it will be Christmas Eve in exactly three weeks!  Yikes!  The first snow is on its way overnight, and it can't be denied- winter is here.  I am torn between wanting to speed up winter, and slow it down.  I want to speed it up so that my treatments go faster, but I also want to slow it down because I just want to enjoy my family and life in general.  It all seems to go too fast, and be too fragile.  When I start to think about all I have ahead of me still treatment-wise, and wonder how many months and years out from treatment it will take until I am not nervous about a relapse, I just have to stop and take a breath and remind myself to take it one day at a time. 

Katie Serenading the Dog

Katie has a new song and wanted to share it with the dog. 

Enjoy!

Jay