Parallel Universe

Being diagnosed is kind of like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Aren't quite sure where you are, you are trusting those around you to help you navigate the unknown, and no matter the outcome you will never be the same. Unlike Alice, as hard as you try, you cannot wake up from this dream universe.

I ended treatment on may 5th and had reconstruction on august 16th. I have been trying to put myself back together since then, and life has been a very good distraction. Hard to think about things when you are driving to school three times a day, organizing three major fundraisers, working a CAbi business, substitute teaching and managing a household. Still some days are hard. Sometimes too hard. A person I "know" from internet groups is diagnosed with cancer again, or it has spread, or dies. That is hard to take and I know that as much as all the cancer commercials in October state "I chose to fight" it is not about choosing to fight. I know very few women who have died from cancer who say "yes, I'd like to die now.". It is not a matter of how hard you fight. Just like you can think of some people that hardly work and are rolling in dough and others who work three jobs and are barely making ends meet.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I feel people can't relate to me, or maybe they are just being polite talking to me and don't really like me all that much. My insecurities seem to bubble to the top more easily now. After all, I am this scarred' disfigured person who has gone through all these experiences that most people cannot relate too, especially people in their mid 30's. Plus, my mind fails me sometimes. I can't remember names as easily as I once did, I make stupid mistakes and sometimes my mouth is faster than my brain. I have hot flashes. They are
terrible. For those of you that have not experienced them yet, they happen at the most
inopportune times. Obviously they are very emotion based. Having anxiety? Bam, hot flash. Kids getting the best of your patience? Hot flash. Running late? Hot flash. Giving a presentation or talking to a group of people? Hot flash. Flight or flight reactions to the 9th degree. It stinks. And it is not supposed to happen to someone in their 30's. Still, I'd take it without one complaint if doctors could say "hey, do all these really crappy things, and I guarantee you can live a long full life.". Except, no one can tell me that. They instead say things like "we can try this... We recommend that... Research has shown..." not exactly reassuring. So yes, all this stinks. But on the flip side, I am not alone. My mom told me the other day that she recently heard there are 12 million cancer survivors. Wow! I am certainly not alone. Still, I sure would like to meet someone who is just like me and could me my new best friend through this journey.

I think some of the issue, maybe most of the issue, is that you just have no control over all this. You can't train hard enough, eat the right foods, exercise x amount of minutes, not do this, do do this, give up that, and you will be guaranteed a long healthy future. I sometimes feel like parts of my life were taken, and I just never can be the same. And it makes me sad. In some ways this experience has been good, as funny as that sounds. I feel like I have gained some insight, learned what is important, learned how much the human race is willing to do for another human being, gained confidence and come out a stronger person.

Still some days my heart just aches and I wish there was some way to make it all better. I just want someone to fix it, but some things just can the fixed.

But things can get put back together, mended, and still admired.

An interesting article about the rise of cancer survivorsv...
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/11/health/11cancer.html

Katie at Ballet Class

Katie loves to dance and she really loves her Ballet class.  She has been taking these classes for a few month now.  Kari had a chance to sit in a watch a class.  Here are a few of the videos that she took. 



You can catch more videos of Katie dancing at the team4harris channel on YouTube at this link. 

Breakfast with Santa

James, Katie and I joined my mom, Tricia, Marc, Brady & Becket at the Brookfield Zoo this morning to have breakfast with Santa.  It was really well organized and the kids had a great time.  Here are some of the highlights. 

James' Christmas Pageant...

James had his first Christmas pageant at St. Giles yesterday.  He and Katie put on their holiday finest in preparation for the affair. 

From there, we headed off to the church. 

James did great.  Here are videos of the two songs that he performed with his class. 

Trimming the Harris Family 2011 Christmas Tree- Time Lapse...

Well, December is here and it was time today to put up our Christmas tree.  I've been traveling for the better part of the past week so the kids were very excited to see me when I came home today.  After a little lunch, we got right into decorating.  Here are some of the highlights. 

Everything started with a big cup of hot chocolate...

I picked up a new GoPro Hero2 camera while I was at the trade show last week.  It lets you take time-lapse pictures.  I had it set at 10 second intervals while we were putting up the tree.  The lighting isn't great but here is the process.

Here is the finished product...

Enjoy!

James & Katie- Beat Box

Okay... I have been cleaning up some old pictures and videos from my phone.  I completely forgot about this one. 

Where do they come up with this kind of stuff?

Happy Thanksgiving from the Harris Family...

Happy Thanksgiving to All,

We hope that you had a great day of family, friends and food.  Ours was filled of all three. 

Kari, James, Katie and I hosted dinner this year.  More times than not, we have done this for both of our families since before Kari and I were married, with the few exceptions of Kari being sick.  This wasn't one our biggest gatherings, but Kari out did herself with help help from everyone else. 
We were all treated by Katie saying Grace before dinner.  She has been practicing this for the past few days but had a little state fright.  It didn't take much prodding to get her going.  Here is the video. 

She is very sweet.

Here are some highlights in pictures...

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am reminded of what a difference a year makes.  Last Thanksgiving I was in the hospital, for 4 days, with the stomach flu.  James was sick about a week before, and wouldn't you know it, the Monday of Thanksgiving week I woke up not feeling well.  Got James to school, put on a movie for Katie, and went to bed to rest.  As the morning wore on, I knew I was in trouble.  Soon I was one sick woman.  I called Jay home, but it took him quite a while to get home.  I called my doctor, who of course told me to come in to the ER.  James had a Thanksgiving play at school in the evening and Jay took him and Katie to that, I figured I'd get to the hospital at some point, but within a few minutes of leaving Jay came back home, James had gotten sick again in the car.  So, now we needed a new plan.  I called my friends, found one who was home, and she came to take me to the hospital.  I thought I'd have a few hours of quality IV time. Instead, I ended up in the hospital for 4 days, had two blood transfusions, and many bags of various solutions that my body was lacking.  Thank God my oncologist insisted I get a private room so I could be sick in peace (unlike the last time I was hospitalized with the flu when James was about 6 months old... but that's another story for another day).  

Last Thanksgiving was a disaster.  My kids were in one place, without me or Jay, Jay was trying to take care of me, work, and keep up with his family and the kids, my mom was trying to host dinner at her home and my grandmother kept getting transferred to the hospital.  Last year, I would have been thankful for Thanksgiving to have been cancelled.  This year, we are back to our usual routine, Thanksgiving at our home, everyone is healthy (knock on wood) and hopefully this year will be a much more enjoyable experience.  This year I am thankful to be NED (no evidence of disease) to have my life return (somewhat) to normal, and have my family around me.  I am thankful I still have a home for everyone to gather to celebrate, two children that are happy and healthy, a husband that is working so hard for his family, and the love and support of many friends, family and strangers who got me through the last year.  I am sad that my grandmother is gone, that my brother and his family are now in Texas and not here celebrating with us, that I know of too many families that are missing their mom, daughter, aunt, sister or loved one who has passed from cancer much too young, families that have lost loved ones to various illnesses and accidents and families that have loved ones that logistically cannot be together and missing each other. 

I  stuggle at this time of year as I just feel so many emotions.  I am happy to be here, I am sad to have gone through so much, I am fearful that I will not be here next year to celebrate these holidays, I am mad that some people don't realize what they have, mad that others are so materialistic and don't realize the true meaning of this season.  I am sad that so many people are hurting at this time, missing their loved ones and have experienced so much pain. I wish I could fix everyone's pain, and correct the wrongs in this world (well, at least what I see is wrong.)  I wish I could take away people's pain, bring happiness to their lives, joy to their faces.  I wish I could protect my children, and everyone's children from the pain and sadness of the real world.  I wish I could give people back their mothers, wives, husbands, children, that have all been lost too soon. 

What I want to make sure I get across is how thankful I am to my friends, family, strangers, doctors and caregivers.  To the people that pray for me, supported me, donated, watched my kids, made me a meal, and just did what they thought was appropriate to get me through my journey.  I have been uplifted by people that I knew would lift me up, disappointed by people I thought would for sure be there that weren't, surprised by the support from some that I never would have thought would have been so involved in my journey.  The kindness of strangers, the kindness of family, the generosity of friends, the support of my community, has all touched me in a way that I cannot express.  I am so thankful for that this year. 

So please, enjoy this season of Thanksgiving.  Take the time to tell your family and friends what they mean to you, take a moment to do something kind for someone less fortunate than you, and thank God for your blessings.  Mend some bridges, forgive some misgivings and try to remember that when it's all said and done, the only important things in your life is your relationships with others, memories of experiences and the differences you make in the lives of others.  A simple act on your part, could mean the world to someone else. 

Happy Thanksgiving from someone truly grateful! 

James came home with this from school yesterday and we promptly hung it up. 

Knowledge.

October is breast cancer awareness month. I drafted this post last weekend when we were in MI for Jay's birthday and really wanted to get it posted before October ended.  It's Oct 29th, time is running out!

Knowledge is power. If you're around my age, you remember those great Saturday morning PSA's during your cartoons.

Awareness. I think that everyone in the world is aware of breast cancer. How can you not? Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought breast cancer awareness month was great. Pink ribbon products were wonderful ways to support breast cancer research and fund mammograms for others. Plus my favorite color is pink. However, after diagnosis, I became aware of a few things. Some breast cancer survivors hate the color pink, and hate October. For good reason, it's a constant reminder of something that all of us survivor’s would like to forget. After all, who needs to be reminded of their scarred body and the pain they’ve got through when at the grocery store buying pickles? It's the pain we went through during treatment, the agony of sharing the devastating news with our friends and family, the memories we are left with of treatment time, the medications, the terror in our hearts at every day and once a year occasions when the thought of is this the last time I will get to celebrate/be here for this event pops in our heads as it enviably does, the reminder of those diagnosed too late, or those whose treatment didn't work and they are no longer with us, not everyone is s survivor. Only the “lucky ones” survive.

I don't get mad so much at the commercialism of the pink ribbons and I don't want to take that away from the organizations/corporations because my feeling is that something is better than nothing. Plus, you never know what is going to prompt someone to be aware, take care of themselves or not brush off something they are feeling as nothing. Plus, my favorite color still is pink! My concern with all the pink merchandise is what percentage actually goes to cancer research or prevention. Buy pink products, like I do, because I like pink, or I like the product, but I don't buy it thinking I am making a big difference because if I do a little research I am going to see that normally between .05% and 2% of my purchase is going to breast cancer research. If you look closely at what the packaging states, you'll see how much is pledged to breast cancer and then look at that price and count how many are on the shelf. Do a little math and you will be very surprised. Breast cancer survivors, especially those that have metastatic breast cancer, research even more, and have made me aware of the following stat: of the research being done in the area of breast cancer, only 2% is being done to research therapies for metastatic breast cancer.

Which brings me to the real reason I wanted to make this post about awareness. If you feel strongly about supporting breast cancer research and really want to make a difference with the $5 or $50 you'd use to purchase something pink, spend it a different way. Unless you really want the product, then just buy it and maybe think about making a donation to one of these areas Your contribution doesn't have to be big, as I can attest, every little bit helps. Breast cancer research funds such as http://bcrfcure.org/, young survivor’s collation, or call a social worker at a hospital in the cancer department and offer some help. Cash in some credit card points for gift cards to everyday places and donate them to a social worker at a cancer center, The Pink Daisy Project which helps young women diagnosed who are going through treatment, your religious leader, or just ask around. Unfortunately, it is not hard to find someone going through cancer treatment that could use a little help. There is an organization called Cleaning for a Reason, that will clean your house once a week when you are going through treatment. Unfortunately for me, they were at capacity in Chicago, but maybe you can sponsor a family and open up another spot.

During treatment there are a lot of things that you can help someone out with. After treatment, unless you are independently wealthy, survivors spend years digging themselves out of the financial hole their experience created, and then some. Unless president Obama's health care reform sees the light of day, I will not be able to obtain health insurance because of a pre-existing condition. Or, if there is no health car bill I can join with a few other people in Illinois in a group called ICHIP, a pool of high risk people who pay too much for inadequate health insurance, but it is better than nothing, which is the alternative since no insurance company will touch a cancer patient for at least 10 years.

The biggest advice I can give to you to support someone through treatment is the old Nike slogan of “Just Do It!” (Ironically, I had a pink shirt with this slogan on it when I was younger that was purchased at the Nike Outlets in Pleasant Prairie, WI.  A little blast from the past...)  If you sit back and say I offered to do anything, you are very rarely going to get a call to action. Instead, Just do it. Want to make a meal? Great. Make it. Unsure if it is needed, make something freezable that they can use whenever needed. Don’t like to cook? Fine. If they have kids or pets, offer to help out with them on a specific date. Put together a basket of things you’d like when you are recovering from surgery, not feeling well, or are sick. I received numerous blessings from people during treatment, and one of the things that sticks out in my mind was when someone brought me a bagful of groceries. It was awesome. People were bringing me dinners, which were great for dinner (obviously) and leftovers worked for lunch, but snacks and breakfast were still up to me. A bag full of the staples, milk, bread, lunchmeat, yogurt, and fruit was just what we needed.

Awareness for yourself and in others. It goes without saying, to be aware of yourself, your own body, or encourage your significant other to be aware of their body and take care to get annual checkups, but to also check up on yourself. Learn from others’ experiences. If anything, I hear from people that they are more aware of their bodies, take better care of themselves and have become greater advocates for their health after hearing my story. That makes me feel great. I WANT you all to never have to go through what I have gone through. When I was first going through this process and was waiting for my biopsy results I did a lot of praying and I told God I would gladly take this cancer diagnosis as long as this didn’t happen to my sweet Katie or my nieces. That extends to you. I have never asked why me. Rather I want you to realize how “lucky” you are that this has not touched your life in the way that it has touched mine.

Here's something to be aware of: doctors don't know everything. They know an awful lot more than I do, but they don't know everything and your role as a patient is not to become a computer MD, but to do some basic research so that you can be your best advocate. When I was having my consultation with the surgeon after my diagnosis he told me that all the testing showed no issue with my left side, research was showing radical bilateral mastectomies when only one side was diagnosed were not showing much better survival rates than those who just had one side removed and the other side monitored closely. But I felt strongly that I wanted both side removed now. I knew I could not go through this again. The surgery, the chemo, the radiation, the what if’s; with two little kids. I couldn't turn their world upside down again. They both had to go. He didn't argue with me because he said he once he had a woman he talked out of a bilateral and within a year, she was in surgery again, because cancer had popped up on the other side. We all know how my story ended, at surgery they found cancer in the left side, which had not shown up in any scan, so I was glad I fought and went with my gut feeling and didn't just go on my surgeon’s advice. I was also happy I had a surgeon that was thoughtful and listened to my concerns and was willing to do what I felt was best. Between having James and Katie, I switched ob/gyn doctors and had asked the new one, as well as then old one, if I could please have a baseline mammogram. Both said I didn't need it. I bet now if a young 30's woman with a history of breast cancer asks them for a mammogram, they may think of me and be more apt to allow it. I left it at that. I had no idea that if I wanted a mammogram, I didn't need a doctor to allow me to do it, unless I wanted insurance to cover it. But, a lot of places do free mammograms or have programs to pay for mammograms for women whose insurance won't cover it. I didn't know this, or I may have just done it on my own. I wasn't aware.

You are your own best advocate. You have to be aware. Advocate for yourself.  Take the time out of your schedule for yourself, put your health first.  My mom is great at reminding me that when they give you safely warnings on an airplane they always say to put your oxygen mask on first, then help others in your party.  I didn't do that, and that is precisely why you should. 

Knowledge is power. Please learn something from my journey. Ever since I was little if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said “A teacher.” Little did I know it might not necessarily have been the classroom teacher I ended up pursuing and bringing to reality, but rather a life’s lesson teacher.

Comments

Hi everyone. I know some of you, ok a lot of you, had trouble making comments on the blog, so I changed a few things (finally) and hopefully now you can make comments easily. So go ahead, make a comment if you'd like!

Medals

When I was first diagnosed, in April of 2010, I received an outpouring of support, cards, emails, holy water and other inspirational presents.  I have never felt so loved!  I have a big Nordstrom box of cards, notes and pictures that were sent to me throughout this journey.  Because, a Nordstrom box always holds something good! Here is a picture.....

Among those gifts and treasures, were two medals.  My Aunt Aggie sent me a miraculous medal, and my cousin Eve sent me a St. Perigrine medal.  He is the parton saint of cancer patients. (Now, I'm pulling a Jay... if you want to learn more, here is a link http://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/peregrine.htm ) 

Very soon after receiving them, I put them both on a chain and began wearing them.  I wore them 24/7, unless I was recieving a test or procedure that I couldn't have it on. 

A few weeks ago I woke up and as I was getting ready, I realized that my miraculous medal has fallen off.  I was pretty upset and looked all around for it but couldn't find it.  I looked all over my bedroom, my bathroom and in the closet where I had put my laundry.  Nowhere to be found. I went on with my day and
I even told my mom that I had lost my medal and I was upset.  She immediately said that weekend at church she would ask her priest for a replacement one.  I thought that was ok, but I still was very upset that I had lost my original one that had been with me through treatment, late night worry sessions, prayers and more.  Well, imagine my surprise when I walked into my room a few days later and there, on the floor was my lost medal!  Right in front of the dresser, completely in line with my containers of holy water that have sat there for months.  I couldn't believe it.  I look at that spot on the floor a million times a day.  I pass by it a zillion times, on the way to the phone, put laundry away, put jewelry on and off.... it just appeared there.  I was so happy to get it back!  In the meantime, between losing it and finding it, my mom had lunch with a childhood friend, Rita, and was sharing how I was upset about losing the medal.  Rita said that she thought it had fallen off since I no longer needed it.  I felt like that was exactly it.  I had received my miracle, I didn't need it anymore.  It further cemented this feeling when I realized that the week before I had found a penny in the exact same spot.  (The penny is a whole other story, here is the short version: when I was growing up and I would find a penny my Grandma Krupa would say it was a penny from heaven.  Now whenever my cousins and I find pennies, we think our grandmother is talking to us.  And I really have to say, I find pennies at the most needed times....) Anyway, this really may be a story for a few, but I truly believe that I have been given a miracle and I am so happy for the support from friends, family and strangers alike! 

Katie Makes A Big Splash!

A few weeks ago we had a string of wet and rainy days and Katie took full advantage of it.  As I said when I posted this on facebook, "Yep, I'm that kind of mom now..."  That means I tend to let them have fun and not worry if they get dirty.  It washes out, or it can be replaced.  I am taking more joy in the joy and fun they are having.  And what is more fun that jumping in puddles when you are a kid?!?!

Katie & Her Trophy!

Katie won a trophy this past week at school.  When I asked Katie what she won her trophy for doing, I've received a couple of different answers.  She was sitting quietly, she got to the carpet first, she followed the directions.... one of these must be right! 
At any rate, you have not seen a more proud three year old...  She had to call daddy right away to tell him about her trophy, and she insisted I take a picture with my phone and send it to daddy and Mama Diane.  So, I did.  Daddy was so happy to see his proud girl that he brought her something special home from work that night.... a box to keep her trophy in!  It couldn't be more perfect for her trophy!  Katie was so excited to take her trophy, in the box, to school the next day to show everyone. 

14,664

That's the number of views this blog has received since it was created January 2010.  WOW.  My first thought was "holy crap, I really hope I didn't say anything stupid."  If I would have known that many times people would be looking at my posts, I probably wouldn't have said half the things I did.  I then realized that it was good I didn't add that tracker button until recently. 

 My second thought was "I should have a lot more than 40 CAbi shows booked every year..."  (Ha ha, just kidding.... kind of, after all at least half of you must be woman and we all wear clothes and when you host a party or shop, you get to see ME- a fabulous perk!)

Since I have a minor in Math (I know, you that know me best are shocked right?!?! Well all el ed majors in the state of MI  were required to so it's really not that great of an accomplishment)  I decided to do a little MATH.  That means in the past 21 months, my blog was viewed an average of 698 times a month, break that down further to roughly 23 times a day...  Unbelievable.  Maybe I should start selling ad space here... I know this guy with a  really cool wiring system that can transform any car building project as well as commercial vehicles (wink wink.....  hee hee....)

Talking about Jay, he is in LA this week taping a tv show for the 3rd time.  This time, I got the routine down, he had the haircut, work shirts were clean and fingernails clipped in plenty of time for taping.  The first time I was calling the barbershop and begging them to open early so he could get a haircut because "he's going to be on tv tomorrow and he's flying out at 9am and he can't with the way his hair looks right now, please take him?!?!"  He is supposed to come home tonight, that is, if taping is complete.

The kids are good.  We are into a nice little school routine and they are enjoying it.  I am enjoying the free time, and of course it is filled up with lots of activity.  I drive back and forth to school 2-5 times a day (super fun), fill out tons of paperwork, manage homework, pack lunches, make snacks, wash uniforms, etc.  AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!!  I am so happy to just do the regular, normal stuff.  I've even met new people who have no idea I'm "that Kari Harris" until someone else clues them in.   

I'm trying to get myself readjusted to life again.  I still have lots of doctor appointments, probably averages 2-3 a month by the time you consider there is the oncologist, blood draws, endocrinologist, plastic surgeon, radiation oncologist, oncology gynecologist, primary care doctor, and probably another few that I am forgetting....  I am reading a few books I found at the library, Surviving after Cancer, 100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer, and Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer.  I'll start with those, and see if I need to read any more.  My treatments are hopefully forever over, and the appointments I have now are check ups, follow ups and for well being.  I still get nervous before the appointments, and they are never going to be without fear, but they are tolerable.  The fear of the unknown is very crippling sometimes.    

It's hard to re-enter life.  There is no "getting back to normal" because after hearing a cancer diagnosis, your life is never the same.  You can't sit on your child's bedroom floor when you can't sleep, bald and sick as a dog, and worry how your child's life is going to change based on your illness, crying and praying that you can be there to help them grow up; without having your priorities and life rearranged.  You can't hear your son tell you that every time he can make a wish he wishes that "Mommy gets better" and not be affected by that.  You can't sit outside your daughter's playroom as she plays dolls and smile as you hear her say "I'll be the mommy." And then a few minutes later cry when she says " Mommy can only play with you for a few more minutes and then mommy has to go lay down and grandma will play with you." 

Some changes are good.  I say yes to a lunch with friends and let the dirty dishes sit in the sink, I savor experiences, I thank God at least 3 times a day for the little things I get to experience, I've slowed down and focused on what I am doing, rather than thinking/planning what I have to do next.  I've learned to say no and not feel guilty about it.  Some changes are not so good.  I used to get an invitation to something and run out and buy a present, or start preparing for the kids summer birthdays at Easter because I wanted to have plenty of time to make it perfect.  Now I still try to be super organized because I am afraid that I won't be here when the event happens.  I run out and buy things, make plans, and then Jay has to listen to all my details when he comes home that night.  Then I have to show my mom it all the next time she comes over.  This is silly, but better than putting sticky note labels all over everything.  The kids each have a three ring binder.  It is labeled with their names and all their activities, super organized and ready for anyone to read, understand and take over if need be.  Of course, every thought instead of "When Katie gets married, or when the kids graduate..." is replaced by "If I am here to see Katie get married this is what should happen, and if I am not, don't let blank happen."  When the kids graduate if I'm not here you need to buy them..."  I have presents purchased for big occasions in the next few years, and I have plans for future big events, just in case I am not here for them.  But I struggle with that too.  I remember listening to an NPR piece about a woman whose mother died of cancer when she was 15 and the mother had written her daughter letters before her death, to be opened on various occasions like first day of college, birthdays, Christmas, wedding day.  The daughter at first treasured these letters and then as she got older dreaded the part of each occasion where the letter would be presented and she'd be forced to read it and relive her mother's death all over.  I don't want to do that to my children.  Ugh, sometimes it is just too much to think about and process.

If you know me and my family well, you know that my mom, grandmother and I all watched All My Children forever.  It is coming to an end this month, and I have been watching this last few weeks with great interest.  In the land of Pine Valley, the rules don't apply.  Everyone wears fancy clothes, rushes off to work , business lunches and meetings, yet no one can call each other on the phone, they all have to see them in person.  You can't be super successful and busy, yet talk to everyone in person.  Also, everything is a catastrophic event.  It's not a rainstorm, it's a tornado.  It's not a burned dinner creating smoke, it's a smoke bomb by a stalker or a 5 alarm fire started for revenge.  No one has the stomach flu, they are pregnant with their enemy's baby, have cancer, or some weird something that has yet to be diagnosed that will wreck their lives.  And now, that the show is ending, they are trying to wrap up everything, create perfect happy endings and make everything turn out ok.  Even people who have supposedly died, have come back to be reunited with their long lost love and family members.  It's natural, everyone wants to wrap things up neatly, and leave with a good feeling.  People like to leave their jobs with two weeks notice, so that they have time to clean things up, train the new person, and say good bye to their friends.  They are plans and preparation for the end of a school year, the end of a sports league, the end of a class.  Things that end abruptly, leave us confused and without closure.  When you go to a restaurant that you love and find out its closed, you're shocked.  A sudden store closing, a Monday morning when you find out someone was fired Friday afternoon, it's hard to comprehend.  You try to make sense of something that you can't.  When something ends abruptly, it doesn't give us time for closure.  Everyone needs transition.  I used to hate that I had this cancer diagnosis was a cloud hanging over my head, wouldn't it be better to live and not know that your time could be limited?  I don't know.  I can't go back and change anything.  I can't go back to that time of innocence, I can't change what has happened.  I have to transition to the next phase and keep growing and keeping on.  I will get up each day, complete what I need to do, and it will just become routine, do what I need to do, try to find the joy and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Going backwards is not an option.  Moving forward is the only choice I have.  I may need to sit down, or take a detour around a boulder, but I will continue up that hill....

By the way, I updated the site so that making comments should be a lot easier, when I added the visit counter....  comment away! 

Just in case you thought I was kidding about Katie's love of all things girlie....

I told Katie to "go get ready" to pick James up from school last week.  This is what she came up with, all by herself, I swear! 

If it;s  pink, glittery or sparkles, my girl is drawn to it! 

My Little Ballerina....

Katerina the Ballerina!  That is what my mom started calling her last year, during my treatment when Katie liked to dress up in her tutu and dance around.  In light of her love of all things girly, I decided to sign her up for a summer camp at the local ballet studio, Academy of Music and Movement.  She had a great time so I decided to sign her up for a once a week ballet class that started two weeks ago.  Here are pictures from her first day, too cute (in my humble opinion.....)

Katie's 1st Day!

Katie had her 1st day of preschool at St. Giles!  She was so excited to go to school "like brother."  We walked James to his classroom, and then I walked Katie to hers.  She has a cubby for her (huge) backpack and lunchbox.  The classroom is big, has great toys and wonderful teachers and kids.  Katie is very happy there.  She goes every day from 8:10-11:10 every day.  Then, on Tuesdays Wednesdays and Thursdays she is signed up for extended day, which lasts until school ends at 3:10.  That gives me a chance to do daytime CAbi shows, and put my toe back in the teaching water as a substitute a few days a month.  Here is a picture of her in front of the mailbox....

and here is one with brother.....

First Day of First Grade.....

We have a first grader!   James officially began grammar school on Wednesday morning.  Jay, Katie and I all climbed in the big blue truck and drove James to St. Giles for his first day of school!  He was super excited to meet his teacher, see his classroom and make new friends.  It was a half day, a good way to "warm up" to school.  James had to be in uniform the first day, complete with dress shoes and socks. 

James lined up by his classroom door, with his red backpack, and waited patiently for his teacher to open the door.  He then waited outside his classroom to be led in by his teacher.  James gave us a happy wave good-bye and off he went.  My eyes teared up, but I kept it together.  Last year, all I wanted to do was walk my first born into kindergarten, and I did, sick as a dog and wearing my wig.  This year, I walked him in feeling pretty good, and with my own (albeit short) hair.  I vow to do everything I can to make sure I walk my babies in to their classroom each year.  When I sat through chemo, radiation, and tests, I would envision myself doing all the things that are important to me in the future.  Walking my kids into their first day of school, taking Katie and James to buy their first communion outfits, watching them graduate from 8th grade, dropping them off at the mall or the movies with their friends, drivers ed, getting their drivers license, and all the other milestones I want to see.  I also envisioned the "mom, your embarrassing me," and of course the tried and true "I hate you, I wish you weren't my mom" followed by the bedroom door slam that all moms seem to experience....

After we dropped James off, the three of us went over to the welcome back coffee the PTO put on and visited with so many friends.  I was wiped out, but happy to attend. 

Just Katie and I went to pick James up, as Jay went back to work, after a successful first day.  Here are the pictures....

                                                                 Ready to go to school....

                       Love Katie in this picture... can't you just hear her saying "cheese!"

                                                                       In line.............

                                                           His classroom..........

                                         The obligatory picture in front of the mailbox..........

My first day of 1st grade, 1982.....

James' Birthday Day...

Hello to all,

Yes, James is officially 6.  He had a very fun day.  We capped the after noon with a walk to Austin Gardens with Kari and Katie.  The bulk of the day was spent at the Illinois Railway Museum.  James and I have been going there since he was very young.  He has always really liked it. 

It was Thomas the Tank Engine day at the IRM so it was busier than normal.  Even with the extra crowds, the kids had fun.  We saw a lot of trains, rode a street car and took the Thomas train around the park.  A good time was had by all. 

Here are some of the highlights from the day. 

Happy Birthday James!!!!