Parallel Universe

Being diagnosed is kind of like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Aren't quite sure where you are, you are trusting those around you to help you navigate the unknown, and no matter the outcome you will never be the same. Unlike Alice, as hard as you try, you cannot wake up from this dream universe.

I ended treatment on may 5th and had reconstruction on august 16th. I have been trying to put myself back together since then, and life has been a very good distraction. Hard to think about things when you are driving to school three times a day, organizing three major fundraisers, working a CAbi business, substitute teaching and managing a household. Still some days are hard. Sometimes too hard. A person I "know" from internet groups is diagnosed with cancer again, or it has spread, or dies. That is hard to take and I know that as much as all the cancer commercials in October state "I chose to fight" it is not about choosing to fight. I know very few women who have died from cancer who say "yes, I'd like to die now.". It is not a matter of how hard you fight. Just like you can think of some people that hardly work and are rolling in dough and others who work three jobs and are barely making ends meet.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I feel people can't relate to me, or maybe they are just being polite talking to me and don't really like me all that much. My insecurities seem to bubble to the top more easily now. After all, I am this scarred' disfigured person who has gone through all these experiences that most people cannot relate too, especially people in their mid 30's. Plus, my mind fails me sometimes. I can't remember names as easily as I once did, I make stupid mistakes and sometimes my mouth is faster than my brain. I have hot flashes. They are
terrible. For those of you that have not experienced them yet, they happen at the most
inopportune times. Obviously they are very emotion based. Having anxiety? Bam, hot flash. Kids getting the best of your patience? Hot flash. Running late? Hot flash. Giving a presentation or talking to a group of people? Hot flash. Flight or flight reactions to the 9th degree. It stinks. And it is not supposed to happen to someone in their 30's. Still, I'd take it without one complaint if doctors could say "hey, do all these really crappy things, and I guarantee you can live a long full life.". Except, no one can tell me that. They instead say things like "we can try this... We recommend that... Research has shown..." not exactly reassuring. So yes, all this stinks. But on the flip side, I am not alone. My mom told me the other day that she recently heard there are 12 million cancer survivors. Wow! I am certainly not alone. Still, I sure would like to meet someone who is just like me and could me my new best friend through this journey.

I think some of the issue, maybe most of the issue, is that you just have no control over all this. You can't train hard enough, eat the right foods, exercise x amount of minutes, not do this, do do this, give up that, and you will be guaranteed a long healthy future. I sometimes feel like parts of my life were taken, and I just never can be the same. And it makes me sad. In some ways this experience has been good, as funny as that sounds. I feel like I have gained some insight, learned what is important, learned how much the human race is willing to do for another human being, gained confidence and come out a stronger person.

Still some days my heart just aches and I wish there was some way to make it all better. I just want someone to fix it, but some things just can the fixed.

But things can get put back together, mended, and still admired.

An interesting article about the rise of cancer survivorsv...
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/11/health/11cancer.html