Been a while...

Since I have posted last, longer than I thought actually. I've been busy with cabi, school year ending, camp starting, and having fun. My sister in law and brother in law took the kids for a week and my mom and I had a chance to go to my friends place in lake Geneva for a few days. It was fun, and we got to relax and enjoy shopping, walking along the lake, boat rides, and more. Then jay and I got to do a few fun things around the city. Then we had some parties and of course there was father's day to celebrate. Kids and I having fun, getting into a summer routine, planning trips and the rest of the summer. Heard that the taste of Chicago starts Friday. Can't believe it's time for that already! Play dates and lunches with friends, farmers markets, and just fun, fun, fun! Just plugging along. Tackling paperwork and projects that need to be done. One of which was to register tuition payments for the kids school in the fall. They are going to St Giles and while it will be tight, we both agree that it will be the most beneficial for them, so I will find a way to make it work. In going through the online process one of the questions they ask is if for $15, we want to take out insurance so that if something happens to me or jay, tuition for the rest of the year is paid. Now, for the fine print, "not payable for cancer or cancer related deaths.". And bam! Back in the front of my mind, a nice reminder of this past year. Out of all the things that can happen, act of God, suicide, heart attacks and more, cancer is not a risk they are willing to take. I can weigh 500 pounds, be a race car driver, fly 200,000 miles, drive two hours to work each day, or anything else, and get covered, just don't develop cancer. I didn't get the insurance. I figured that I'd rather use the $15 for something that has better odds of benefiting me, like a lottery ticket!
I just was so thrown by this experience because I was just starting to feel normal agin, not waking up and thinking about cancer first thing, not spending sleepless nights worrying about what would happen if I wasn't here to see my kids grow up. Not forgetting, but moving on. I am prepared for the three month check ups, for the routine blood work, for the follow up appointments with the plastic surgeon, the radiation oncologist, and all the other doctors and specialists. but I am really starting to feel good. My energy is coming back, my hair is growing and getting long, I am ready to get my last surgery complete and end this journey. Then something reminds me and I find myself spiraling into that dark place again. My heart aches, it's almost like being diagnosed again, the wounds become fresh again. I remind myself how far I've come, how strong I can be, how deep my faith in God is, and how strong I will fight. I stop and breathe, thank God for my family and friends, and remind myself to live in the moment. Just worry about today and that works. Most of the time. For the other times, say an extra prayer for me please.