12 & 2 YEARS HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO

 Cinco de Mayo, the anniversary of two life changing events:

1. Jay and I got engaged at Navy Pier (the location of our first date) in 2001
2. I walked out of my last radiation treatment in 2011

The end of active treatment, not the end of treatment, but the end of active treatment.  I will never forget (at least I hope my chemo brain never forgets) that when I walked out of the last radiation and got in the car, turned it on and heard the song lyrics, "after the hurricane, comes a rainbow."  I just broke down.  I knew that was a sign from God, and my grandmother who we had just lost. 

My 13 month hurricane.  A hurricane of doctor appointments, tests, waiting for test results, understanding test results, surgeries, chemo, radiation, insurance, no insurance, social workers, nurses, doctors, head shaving, wig, scarves, medications, pills, port, side effects, parking tokens and more.  And that was just me.  The hurricane also involved my whole family, friends, community, and beyond.  So, now we are all enjoying the rainbow.  .............................................................................................................................................

And it is a rainbow.  It is.  Every day gets better.  The memories fad a bit each day along with the scars.  Never gone, but as I look back, I realize that I have come a long way.  Each day starts with a prayer of thanks and each day ends with a prayer of thanks.  And I stop each day at least once or twice and think to myself, "I'm so grateful to see this or experience that" and I appreciate that.  It's a good way to live. 

This experience has also been motivating for me.  Sometimes when I have fear or doubt about something I have to do, don't want to do, or is out of my comfort zone I think about how I don't want to miss the chance to do it, and how as I laid in bed for months missing things, I vowed I wouldn't miss opportunities in the future.  Then I think what's the worst that can happen?  It can't be as bad as cancer treatment.  And I DO IT! It's a motivator for sure.  It helps me enjoy life more, slow down and make connections with people, my family, friends, and surroundings.  It helps me appreciate things so much more than I did. 

I don't want to say it's all sunshine and roses (or in this case rainbows) though.  It takes very little for the PTSD to be activated and a downward spiral to occur.  A routine Dr appointment is anxiety producing, even if I know going into it that all is still fine with me.  It brings back everything I went through (as I talked about in my previous posting).  It can also be something as simple as a hand gesture that someone does that my Dr. does to bring on an anxiety attack.  But I have ways of coping and before it would take days to get back to a good place in my head, and that time is growing shorter.  And that's good. 

I also try to find a project every year to mark my anniversary and bring some love and hope to others.  The first year I planned a fundraiser for the family of someone who had sadly lost his battle with cancer and had two little kids.  Last year I did a scarf drive and reached out to my CAbi sisters, who donated over 100 scarves which I then packaged with a scarf tying guide and brought to the Coleman Imaging Center in the cancer hospital at Loyola.  This year, the event that I am participating in is Making Strides for the American Cancer Society and takes place Saturday, May 11th at Oak Park River Forest High School.  The kids and I are doing a painting art project this week that will be the backdrop for the photo booth, and I am volunteering at the walk and speaking as park of the Survivor Talks.  I am pretty excited to hopefully bring hope and love to those who are battling, have battled, or lost a love one to this terrible disease. 

So, I'd like to mark the ending of this entry with two things:
1. A request for all of you to take time to find the good in any situation, good, bad, every day and marvel at what is good on this earth.
2. To pray (or think good thoughts) for those going through, affected, and/or touched by cancer, or who will be touched by cancer.  And a hope that there are far more birthdays and fewer new diagnoses each year. 

My 7 year old came home with the prayer recently, and I wanted to share it with you. 

2001

2011.....