April 12, 2010

Today marks exactly one year from when I found my lump and called the doctor to see if I should come in and get it checked out.  If you have not heard my story, James and I were laying in bed reading stories.  I like him to lay on my left side, but that day he insisted on laying on my right side.  When getting up, he elbowed me in the chest and it hurt.  On the 12th I finally realized that it still hurt and thought he must have bruised me, so I felt around and found the lump.  I called Jay and I called the ob/gyn who said to come in that afternoon.  I called my neighbor Alex and left Katie with her, and went to the doctor.  She felt it and said I should get a mammogram and left the room.  She came back a few minutes later and gave me an appointment card for the next day for the mammogram.  That freaked me out and I picked up Katie, then I picked up James and I drove to my mom's house to show her the lump.  She told me not to worry and that she was sure it was a fibroid.  And the fact it hurt was a good sign too.  That made me feel better, but I still was feeling like something bad was wrong.  My mom and dad said they'd come the next day to watch the kids so I could go to my mammogram. 

The next day I went to the mammogram and when I checked in, the woman behind he desk asked me what a young thing like me was doing in a place like this.  I said I found a lump.  She said, don't worry because you are too young for cancer.  I immediately thought you are wrong, but I said nothing.  The mammogram tech also was surprised to see me when I walked into the room.  She chatted me up and started taking pictures.  Then she stopped talking so much and started concentrating and moving me all around and taking more and more pictures.  She then said we were done but for me not to change my clothes.  She then called me back again to take a few more pictures.  Then I waited.  After a while, another woman came into the room and said there were suspicious areas and that she wanted to do a biopsy, and then asked me if I had any questions and sent me down the hall to make the biopsy appointment.  When I sat in that office, with all the pink ribbon stuff all around and the woman started asking me questions, that's when I started crying.  I knew something was wrong, and I could tell these women thought so too.  I got back in my car, called Jay, cried, and tried to pull myself together to get back home.  When I got home my mom tried to make me feel better and said that it is scary to have a mammogram that showed something that someone wanted to biopsy, but she's been through it before and she was fine, and I would be too.  Again, I wasn't so sure, but I thought let's not get too worked up about this right now.  Jay came home from work early and him and I actually went out to dinner.  I remember sitting at that dinner, with all kinds of things going through my head, things are going to be ok, things are not going to be ok, what is going to happen next, what does this mean, and this can't this be happening to me.  Jay said that it would be nothing, but we would use this as a wake up call to be healthier, take better care of ourselves and if it wasn't ok, we'd fight it and beat it.  On the 14th, all hell broke loose.  My parents came back to again watch the kids for the biopsy, James had the stomach flu and was vomiting every 15 minutes, Jay was at work and Katie had pink eye.  I called Jay home, he took Katie to the doctor and dropped me off for my biopsy appointment (conveniently located in the same parking lot).  I went in for the biopsy and the doctor was kind of cold and acted like I was an unneeded biopsy.  I chatted, the nurses chatted, and as the ultrasound and biopsy continued the doctor softened, I could tell on her face that she didn't like what she was seeing.  I went from being a bother, to being an issue.  I felt it.  I found a way to tell her that I had two little babies a little boy who was 4 and a little girl who was 1.  I felt like I needed her to know that I had to live and I had to take care of these babies.  I felt like if I said I had little kids, someone somewhere would realize that I was 33 years old and too young to have cancer and they would quick change something and everything would be ok.  I didn't have time for cancer.  Hell, half the time I didn't have time to take a shower.  When they finished the biopsy they put one of those little metal breast cancer ribbons in to mark the spot.  I thought I think I'll have a permanent reminder of breast cancer and I wouldn't need that clip.  I got an ice pack and went outside to wait for Jay and to wait for the biopsy results, which they told would be faxed to my ob/gyn and she'd be contacting me with the results.     
Wait, Wait Wait....   Luckily I had a good distraction, as I was chairing the fashion show fundraiser for Church and it was coming up on Saturday the 17th.  I felt ok after the biopsy, and wasn't that worried about the results.  It was strange how I was so scared, and then I was like everything was going to be ok.   

The rest of the story will be continued on the 19th.....